~ vapour ~

grrr ... my computer has decided to die on me today, so it wiped everything i had writen, i had actully written something good and productive to myself, so im going to see if i can get the same things down as i did before... but i no it wont be the same as before ...

isnt independance great? do you remember when you a burden to someone, someone had to look after you, you had to tell them what your doing that day and night, have to agree with them when you really didnt want to, abide by there rules... but when you got to a certain point in your life your independence developed and you could cope on your own, you were like a bird from a nest! ... but no seriously, im starting to apreciate once again what i have, i have more than most people by far and i take it for granted at times, i have a family that are one of the best, we suport each other and seems to sort things out even when it gets to rough, but with that your indepence sores, its more like it gives you more confidence to just get out there in life, i have been ' out there ' for a while but its now with doing something big again... that i am seeing what i am doing, and im good at it, im apreicating waking up in the morning to even clouds that are full of water waiting to pour down on me, and i love just being here. why waste you time on this rocky and watery planet, your not here for long so take in what you have and make the most of it, and if you dont like it ... do something about it.... lifes to short to be grumpy.
i seem to say that alot, but its something im passionite about, its something that i hope i will never stop beliveing in.

i think i might end the happy note ive just produced myself to feel though, what a contridiction.
my fones remained in the off position for about 2 or 3 days only to a selected person called andy, it wasnt hard to understand who it would be, but he is getting to close to understanding me for the real person, the person that feels things and he knows what gets me down, and what effects me, and that scares me, just like last time, so my way to deal with it, is to cut it off, its not big and its not clever i no, but well its the way i cope, and it makes it easier for me to just walk away, it feels like its something he wont expect, but yet i think he will no ill do it. im using the same exuse as i used on other people, im giving the my fones broken, or i have no credit when im blatently on a contract fone with unlimited texts. i feel guity for it, i think i really do come across and out as a cow, maybe i am deep down? but i dont belive myself to be, i belive myself to be someone who doesnt want to upset someone so i ride it out on there emotions, then i relises ive done to much wrong than good, just like with steve, i didnt love him at the start, i couldnt be arsed at all, it was something that entertained me, something that you shouldnt do, but i did, but you learn from your mistakes right? no matter how big or small they are?
ive only ever loved one person from the start of something, it felt special and sort of right, not like the times like paul and steve ect ... they felt like there were just people who took up my day time, the time where i had nothing to do, hmmm .... im feeling myself hating myself for what i have done, but im sorry, i didnt want to hurt them but in the end i always do something to make it not work, i supose it wasnt like that with paul, as it was a relationship based purely on him with his control, that which yes, it taught me something about life, what people are like and what they will do to get it. changing your ways seem easy when you relises your mistakes.

it seems to make song writing so much better aswell, you write about so much more and your feelings seem to just get jotted down on some paper while being brought out to music on a gutair, it comes out to other people as music but to yourself its your inner self and feelings being told, something that you wouldnt produce in any converstation no matter how drunk you were,
music seriously is something you cant live without, and song writing and music at the moment to me is something so importnant, i have my own style i do my own things, no one is rubbish as we all like our own music, we have to have open minds, open minds make us see more of whats going on and understand things that little bit more.

ive just finished one about andy .... i didnt mean for it to be about him... it just developed into one, i think im going to have to fone him to apologise, but then again, i dont want to, i seem to have this nevous feeling in my gut, maybe he knows what im doing, i hate him knowing me to well when feelings have been tossed about like a salad. im sorry for anyones feelings i have stepped on, i think its my own problem of not being able to trust someone that it releys on.... so its no ones fault but my own.


so this time ive decided not to do what ive done in the past, ive decided to opt out, say no and mean it, and stand my ground, ive had missed calls and texts off him but this time, well the fone is going to stay in the off postiton to him, and the broken position,