~ how to ~

i dont think the back stabber is much of a back stabber anymore, i think i may have been decived by what had been going on, music is now totally being something main in my life, something total different from what i ever thought music would be, maybe i was wrong about things, and maybe now, maybe at this time i wake up to the right things.Liff ... i could then follow with alot of things, maybe i could tell you about the money schemes, maybe i could tell you about how hegot me into this and if he hasnt then i dont no what i would be doing right now if it wasnt with music, well i know myself but i would prefur not to say.the fray do you no who they are, well i didnt, i didnt have a fucking clue, but liffy baby foned me and told me that his mate who does alot of PA stuff here has got them over in Feb, this month to me seems like its going to be one of the best ever this year. but . . . wait for it please . . . they have heard stuff from liff because of his mate, i dont no his mate but i think its time i did. and now they said when there here they wanna meet with him, how ace is that? not very if your a stuck up nosed bastard : ) ... but i listen to there stuff this morning and they seem pretty cool, not to mention one of them is fit as out. but liffy baby has asked if i wanna be there when they do, so i didnt say no when i say a tasty man, so yeah, im pretty chuffed about it, and it sounds stupid but hushed music gets into some good places. i suposes everything was hushed at first right?

im really suprised how things have been at the moment, ive seemed to taken an addiction to starbucks coffee, but not something that hmmm would be classed as normal, im having with drawl craving for it, i woke up this morning and needed to be able to taste it. i dont no if its some kind of drug there planting into ther coffees, but its something about them. i think im going to end up sitting in town, stuck in there sofas with a book and coffees on tap. i crnt really go to the new one anymore, the one that me and joanna would go to just because there was a nice dude that took your order, because, the blond tree stump drop here coffee which went all over the floor, it managed to get a womans coat and peoples shopping. i couldnt help but laugh and nearly dropped mine for laughing at her, as you would expect she doesnt want to go back there, but its really a need to go back, she will come round to it, im sure she will. if she looks in the window she will be drawn back. she seems to be amusing me to much at the moment, i went to the airport yesterday to get my tickets, and she fell over infront of the irish crowd, thanks alot joanna. there irish, there suposed to be thick, but they talk nice, least she incouraged them to talk and someone helped her up as i like always stood and laughed uncontrolably. im excited like a kid to go to london, im actully excited like you would be at christmas when your about 6, i think its going to be a trip to remember, ive decided to meet up with a mate that i used to talk to on the first day, we havnt spoke for a while but i hope we end up mates like we used to be again. alot of shit happened, shit that i hated at the time but didnt wake up to till now. maybe we could sort it? maybe it already is sorted with meeting up again? i hope its the right thing, ive come out the other side and im seeing things totally different. and it was me that said yes to it. joanna. you better have helped me on doing the right thing. where did i go wrong though?... i supose karma comes back round eh? after all i do know best.

its gonna be another year again for jamie soon, it still feels raw at times. i love him, and i think thats the part i carnt let go. he was the crush and the dream, he was the guy that walked past and amazed me utterly, he had my full attention even if we talked about worms, i would be engulfed in the conversation, mutual feels were felt though. we used to fight together to get to where we wanted to be in life, thats why i have done the things i have done. i hate the fact that i still think about what it could be like when i no i shouldnt. he was the perfect man, he understood, he cared he loved and he had the time that was needed in the randomest times ever, we shared the love of bikes that no one else understood and were totally and utterly inseprable. he was the lad that was the best lookin outa the crowd the ones the girls loved coz he didnt just have the looks he had the personality and the qualities. but yet he didnt want the slappers, he was happy with the mucky girl that loved to sit and fix things, i still blame myself at times for what happened when yes i no, i no i shouldnt. its when i look at his brother who is nearly identical to what jamie looked like, and i just feel so odd, we have a connection because of his brother and i no we will never leave it, the family side is still so close, we still see each other alot but its jamie i want to see, its when i think about him i just cry, my dude and my ridin partner has gone ... still after years i miss him more than anything. i love him so much yet i couldnt save his life. what would things be like now though?.