~ listen to me ~

how unexpecting can your life be at times? i feel like i have changed for the best from things that i have done, but i feel like im getting a back stabbing for it.
from my first 3 and a half year realtionship, i got beatings and other stuff that i really crnt talk about, stuff that will only remain with me and the dick head that did them to me. it took me such a long time to get out of the relationship, and i didnt think i would actully get out of it healthy. but i did and i was so proud of myself that i had, but it messed my emotions up big style, i shut off from everyone and kept everything inside, i felt like it was the only way i wasnt going to get hurt, if i tell people things, then they have a way of getting to me if they want to, its not that i thought everyone was like that, it was just that i didnt want them to get the chance to.
but after all that shit, i didnt think it was possible to actully meet someone that was decent, i thought that every other bloke out there were just hard nosed stuck up and only thought about themselves. but i came across someone else that was everything but that, i could talk to him about anything, and we are two totally different people, which from my point of view is great, you get to then learn things about other things that you didnt no, you teach each other things, and really in situations you can put ur heads together and deal with them a better way than you would, i fell in love with him after i had to fight my feelings of liking him, and we ended up getting together, things never seemed so great to me, i felt like this was it, this was the dude i wanted to stay with and he made me feel like he felt the same, only thing was, the hovering of him leaving was around, but we didnt let it stop us and we carried on how we were, when he went away it felt like we had got stronger than ever, i felt like out connection with each other seemed to just sore and nothing could stop how we felt, my heart ached so much to be with him, but it was great to no that he loved me the same, he came home and when he got in the country i felt like i was so much closer to him, i spent time with him more and more and things just seemed great, the stupid things like how he would tell me he loved me in the middle of the pub just to let me know he did made me feel ace, it was like, is he actully mine?. it was like them relationships that you see someone else having, not yourself. it was the time his mate told us about how he finshed something just to be with the girl he was with now, because he loved her, and he really wanted to be with her, it felt like thats how we were, like nothing would split us and we were to strong together. i would talk about him constatly and he would be in just about every conversation i had.
i felt like this was something that could last and was to good to be true, but now its getting closer to the time of him leaving for sure, things have over turned, its like a switch that has been flicked and all of a sudden it carnt be like that anymore, it seemed like he was so eager for me to go and start a life with him, to go out there with him and live together, we used to talk about it on a night time how we felt about each other and how good it would be to live together, but now i feel like, really, in reality it carnt happen.
his job is great, but i look at a job as a job you crnt have it forever, but you can have someone in your life forever. he told me even when he had come back home that i was more important than a job, he would take me over a job, but i no, this isnt about it, its about leaving the country, i no that the stress of trying to get your life sorted is hard, ive had to deal with stuff which is quite similar, and i totally understand it. but i crnt help feel that its not just that for a reason to cool off, i feel like maybe its because he has fell out of love with me?. its just the times before this i crnt help think about, it seemed to be fuckin ace!... now ... why has it all ov a sudden happened?.
we agreed to back off from it all, but now its as though ill not speak to him at all, as though him sayin he wants to sort his stuff and see how things are is just a way to say, look its actully all over, im going and i dont want you to come with me.
i wish he would just text me or say to me, that he wants me to go with him, he wants to be with me, that he loves me, but he will sort his house and work out first, just so he can make sure everything is ok. but its like if anything is mentioned ill get a throat full and i feel shit for it, i no that being stressed out is the worst thing ever, and this wont help anything, im not asking it to, im just saying how i feel, id just love him to say how he wants it to be. i love him more than anything in my life, he has made me the person i am, and i just want shake him and make him relises.
i just want us to be able to talk about it calmly and for us both to say the things we need to say or ask, i want him to be able to talk to me without him getting mad. i just love him, i love him more than anyone will ever love him, i would do anything for him, its just that i dont think im what he actully wants. i just want to talk ... and i hope you will after this?. i do understand how hard this is. but see my stuff to?