~ cup holder ~

silence is great .... when ever i am putting it forward. ive deicded yep that this is it, no more contact to andy until i have to, the human brain of mine seems to have had enough, and all the talk of this dead person makes me think of jamie, its annoying and bringing me back to the place i was a few years ago, i feel like its just happened again, i think its because i am seeing raw and powerful feelings again,the feelings a person produces to everyone around them, its more sorrow misary and thinking and knowing in your heart your not going to be able to see them in the same way again, people cope with it in so many different ways, different ways no one will understand, even if you have had it happen to yourself, thats why i supose people are all so different but yet so similar, we all have the same things... but we are all wired up differntly.
its like i am seeing myself again through him but not, ive even with one of my other mates passing away i didnt feel like this, i felt hmmm more mellow but upset, this feeling is like jamie has just rang me and said ill see you never ... never. never is such a harsh word if you use it in the right way. its an impact word ... NEVER. i cant say that though, as i said in my last blog ... you will see them again, you can conect with them, and i really think im going to have to make an effort with things. im sorry for letting you down in support though andy, i supose well, your doing my head in, harsh words i no, but im getting the backlash of my past and its not pretty, i think you will have more mates that can help you out better than i can at the moment, i would prefur to sit with some alcohol and drown my sorrows thinking about things, the last things and the things i shouldnt think about, the things that make me unhappy and sad, that make me cry like last time, and why, all because i saw sorrow and misary from loosing someone in someone elses eyes, it feels like my memories of someone like jamie are to precious and there fading with time, and i dont want them to. to much is coming back and the more i talk to you about beth the more it seems to hit home about jamie again, i can never truely get over him, ive now noticed that, after all the times i thought i had, when something like this comes along it makes you relises that no, times isnt much of a healer for things, not for the important people.
yesterdays are strong and have to be rememberable, if you let them fade away into nothing then there left behind. but i still have the horrible bloody mess of jamie imblazind in my mind, it burns into my mind as though im looking at it right there, nightmares seem to occur more and more becasuse of this, and it shouldnt, i supose its my greaving isnt it? maybe i didnt greave right? or maybe i still need to... or this is right?... what ever it is i dont feel right off it.

the weight of my heart gets heavy at time, to heavy and i want rid of it, i think i spent a while likeing andy, i spent along time thinking he was nice but i did nothing about it, why would i? im not a pest and i wont be, i didnt even let him no, but now its come to a mutal feeling towards me, i dont want to no, its typical isnt it, its a normal life story things happen in the oposites and reverse. i think this all just needs to go down in this and some lyrics. i think its the best way to deal with it. i dont want to bore people with my problems or thoughts i think there more personal than anything else. instead i want to pick myself back up, relises this isnt the end of the world and start to laugh again .... i hate feeling shit, and i feel shit for leaving andy alone like this. maybe i shouldnt?