~ what ?~

why do we stop ourselves before doing something we really wish we were doing? some thing that will stay on your mind for the next few hours of the day, or maybe the next few days, that you regret in the mind that you were given. i dont think its really explainable, thats self explanitry though isnt it, no one knows how our minds think or why they think what they think, or the most annoying thing of today is, why did we stop ourselves doing something.

the exsistance of another human being that can give you something total unreal to your emagination or to your inner world has now walked into the main road of my life, past the busy traffic and traffic lights and now seems to be, well just be right infront of me on that road that seems to look good. i dont think a touch from another human could make me feel like i am full off electricity, or just settled peace, its a strange feeling to describe, but the only way i can think of it at this moment is like you have hit home. its that touch that no matter the weather or what ever someone has said to you in the day to day wear and tear of life the touch over rides it all and makes you feel something to good to describle, you no then when you get it that the world isnt such a bad place at the end of the day. your body just fills with a feeling of love thats to overwhelming.

i keep doing well, then i hit the bottom at rediculous times, why?! oh why?!?! ... you could be standing in the que in tescos and feel the choak in your throat and you feel like you have to drop your well browsed items and find the nearest exit. do you think that your mind likes to play these games with you, for when you think, im great! im fine!, it lets you no that really your not just yet. strange thing is our minds, well mine is anyway. i do worry about myself at times.

i dont want to mess this one up though, i think im doing ok, well i hope i am, i find that my emotions really need to be kicked into place, i feel like there bad kids at school that need to be put into line but there to rebelious to listen, they make me feel stupid i want to just hit them on the head with the biggest mallet i can find, i want to tame them but with what im not to sure yet, i think i might search on e bay and see if there is any food i can feed them to help keep them in line. they just spill out, i feel at times there controled then bang! there outa the bag! ... how embaressing, . . . i want to keep them locked up a bit like before hand, but i carnt do that, i dont want to but i need to if you see the way my fingers are trying to tell you as i type this.

its when you can sort of see your life before you but not, you emagine the future and you can see things you would love to, or like to do and that person is in it, that person that makes you happy, that fills you with the love you that you thought was so impossible to feel. and then you think, wow, and insert feelings again .... i feel like this blog is going to be like them storys you have the arrows pointing back to something refuring all the time... well it is, but er... i dont have the arrows, but anyway back to what i was saying. and then you think wow, am i myself in to deep here, i would love to be able to have a little metre on someone to see how in love they are, i think for the fact that i am noisy but i think it would also be cool, you would no when to sort of cool your feelings to give them a bit of back off space, or when you no its safe to let the lid of that strange bag with all the crazy uncontrolable love in it. but yeh .... i can sort of see how i would like it to be, and i really hope it can be, make that REALLY hope. god i really am head over heals, you think of the person being so far away and all i can feel is the warmth of my tears rolling down my face and ache in my heart and throat. its a total shock factor for how this 1 person has had such an effect on me, with 1 look off him it gives you the fuck, im so pathetic, but its ok feeling, the one when your lieing in your bed that feels so empty without that body there, the one that holds you, it reminds me of being lost in them deserted supermakets that you only see on films where the trolleys are all turned over and the items are still rolling off the cheakouts but there is no one else to be seen around. i keep wanting to bite myself and think wake up woman!get a grip on what your doing. but the head over heals feelings in still going strong but not as bad as it was, i still get times where the tears roll down my face at the most un practical times in the world, where i carnt stop it.

to top the down side of me up, money that seemed that would make my life the most fantastic life in the world, is now untouchable until im of a certain ages, come on which sad act made these stupid rules, if you want the money for a genuine reason or even if you just want a bit of it, and note ... it should be a valid reason, i think it should be aloud. i think with dreaming and wishing i wished my luck away, i supose i just now have to face the facts though and ill jut have push that dream out of the window, it seems like its fallen from a pretty high height, like from the top of the ifel tower, no wait, from ... a large high building and you just sort of watch it fall down in slow motion. it felt like i could sorta live my life with him not as much perminatly but i duno just 4 a bit as tho i had the money to go and stay with him sorta when i needed to, i still have half of me regreting telling him taking the job, i sometimes think what it cud ov bin like if he had stayed but, i no with the other half of me its the right thing for him to do, its just one half of me is the selfish side and i want to be able to come home and be able to be with him every night, but SLAP wake up girl, its reality time. i no its guna be a while but ill wait 4 him, i love him more than anyone could love someones, more than anyone could ever love him, and i want to for the rest of my life, ... fuck there it goes again, whats this all about, i actully mean it as well, ... the rest ... THE REST... what? the rest of my life? thats a long time, thats a scary long time but i feel like its something i really really want.fuck what a week can do to you. i really need to put my head into so cold water.