~ areas ~

how can being appreciated by someone dissapear so easily, as though its been a switch to turn it all around. the explanation of it all wont be given to you and your left clueless in what the reason behind it all is. its like you have been standing there in the sun shine then all of a sunden without seeing the clouds on the horizon there over you and you crnt see any blue left in the sky. to top it off the weather forcasts been canceled.
if you take everything away that is in your life, what would you truely miss out of it? ive already thought about mine, but what about everyone elses, and the people that are close to you, if you think about it, would you be in theres.
i dont no if its the push over side thats made it happen, i now have no defence on me which i relises more and more, things get to me that never used to. from when i started this its never got any easier, some people think because its been a while it doesnt matter as much. i dont think they relises how far you have come from something. from things where you think that everything around you is utter pointless, where you see that no one is there to be there for you, or there to actully love you, but they are there for themselves, to make sure they are happy, and that they are taking you for granted the best they can.
it seems like all i get back is sarcastic comments that make you wounder if your purpose to them is bordem. if i was just told straight why this has turned into what it is, then ... maybe it could be understood by me?
i wish i never did say what i did, i think everything would be different, and better, it would be so much better than this and i wouldnt have to wonder about things, its always me and my big fat gob, its the fact i did this myself. its my fault its like this, and i want to hit myself so hard for it, but yet i no it wont make any difference, no matter what i say now, its changed so much now if things where said it would just make a situation i could save if i didnt. its my fault, i think about other people before myself, and becuase i do this its ME that gets the shit end. everyone else gets the upper hand and im left at the bottom of the stack then being told how fantastic! things have turned out for them . i just want the actul understanding from someone, just to no that yeh ... they understand and im not guna get a hard time for me helping out someone else in the way i wished i didnt, instead of well ... its your fault!. fucking to right it is, and you think i dont no this. its the same with most things, that are shit and blatently obvious to everyone you no the situation, then you get the question of... well why dont you do this. its like hitting your head of a brick wall as to say, and you think i havent thought of that already?. its as though i must look like im that thick i dont even no how to think for myself. i just want an easy life, ive had enough of all this fast pace shit that i have grown up with, the shit that keeps you on your toes, more than people will actully think of, and becuase they havent been in the situation its as though its all bollocks. i supose good for them.
i just want that hug that makes you feel safe, the one where all the shit around you just doesnt matter, the world could colapes but it dusnt matter becuase of where you are. i dont no why i say things when its like a stone cold person is there to listen.