~ kenzo ~

hmmmm i dont think this is guna be a blog thats erm guna be ok, i need to say how i feel about something and ive been wanting to say it for a while, its just that if i say it i think im guna upset someone or get a back lash from it, its sorta not something sum 1 wants to hear, maybe its far from it? but when you dont no what to say and you dont want to upset them, you just dont say anything and the feeling just sits there and nothing can make it ease off.
i think im just guna have to jump in at the deep end and say it, i crnt go round it all tryin to make it all look pretty if i no that it wont matter what i say it will cause the same thing. i never normally write it, i normal just describe things on how i feel about something and never say the good reason why, but i this time im gonna have to. but ... here goes ...

well as i know, my bf is goin bak to his work in the bahamas, while i stay here in newcastle for 3 months or so, until we or he gets some cash so i can go and live with him, i feel shit for having money problems that i was promised but as my arse of a dad now loves to see me pissed off i no i wont get it. it screwed things up big style, well from my point of view. and no i crnt go out with him when he leaves. its not something we talk about, but i no that when he goes that hopefully im guna be able to go out there after him. the first time he left to go made me feel things that i had never felt before, i didnt no it was possible to miss someone that much still be able to talk to them but yet still feel like you havnt spoke to them at all. it made me reilise how much i actully love him, what he ment to me, and what i wanted.
with him now being back home ive been able to go and see him really when ever we wanted to see each other, and even though its about an hour and half away the feeling of when i miss him is nothing like it was, i still miss him, ov course i do i love him, but i think its knowing that i can go and see him, that makes things just be normal.
but now knowing he is going back, and knowing its going to be really soon, as soon as possible for him, i feel a bit shit, i no its going to happen and i want him to go, i know he hates being in this country and really out of everything i just want him to be happy and chilled. i think its just the fact that i no he is going to be thousands of miles away, and i crnt go with him or be with him, no matter how i feel i crnt just be that hour and half away from him. i just want to no that 100% im guna be able to go and be with him. i just want the plan of going over to live with him to just happen.when i think about it i dont think there is a main thing to this feelings i think its just knowing how far away he is going to be, the way im not going to be able to see him or be with him and not knowing 100% when i actully will see him again, i hope the feelin when he goes isnt as strong as it was b4 of not knowing when to see him again. im stupid i no, im rediculis, but knowin its guna be in the next few months which are really just weeks away makes me relises how close it is and how long im not going to see him for.

i feel like a total moron to be feeling like this, but i think i can just put it down to how much i do actully love him and how much i really want to be with him, i want to spend my life with him, he is ace, he amazes me with just being himself and with just knowin how far away from him im guna be, knowin he is in the place he wants to be.

i had to say that, i have wanted to for a bit but i duno, i supose i dont wana feel like im doin his head in with it, we aint spoke about it for abit but now i no its gettin well close i just had to say it.i think its bin already obvious how ive felt about it, but hmmm it just had to be said.