~ hks ~

What is it in life that people want? whats the main reason for things.
im sick of being in this house, im going to go mad, im now confronted with the biggest lie in my life everyday, showing me that the person that i loved is a complete arsehole, my family will do anything to keep him happy, but they dont relise that there is sorta something else they are forgetting.
the strong willed thing that remains as myself, is now running out of it, nothing seems to go right at the moment and anything that does just falls apart, its like a huge complete joke. i dont think ive ever been the one to sit in silence for a while, but im finding myself having time like that. i dont think i have ever been so desprate to get out. and this time ill find anything to get out.
its now gone from the bickering, and the stupid digging comments, to my farther swingin for me.
it makes you feel fantastic when you own farther, the one that was ' the favourite' out of my parents, the one that taught me everything, now resulting to now take his anger now out on me, for the simple reason of i dont want to do his dirty work, for this, i now get that i am a let down to the family, i am usless, i wont do anything for anyone else, and i dont deserve anything.
the look in my dads eyes have gone, its like he is a different man, and .. not my dad anymore.
i have so much hate for him i want to kill him, i want to just repeatedly shoot him over and over again. my dads never swung for me in the way he did last night, i have never seen his face like it was, and its scared the shit out of me, i just froze afterwards, my brother, just sat and said nothing, i think it was shock for him to but i dont think its worth fighting back with my dad, he is like terminater, i have never seen my dad go down, and i dont think one of us could make it happen, maybe a truck, but not a human being. it all started off with my dad saying i have to move out for good, which rite ok you have said before, so i said ok i need to find a place first, but he then demanded that i just go, i got told that he wants me out now, he crnt stand seeing my face anymore because im such a let down it makes him sick. so i replied, your a let down to, and he answered back with, how the hell am i a let down, so i tried to explain that he was the one that since i was born i have look to for things, he has taught me things blah blah blah, and now becuase i wont do things that i shouldnt be for him, im now a let down and everything goes out the window, in reply to that i got told to shut up and all the rest, so in my anger that i had kept in really really well suprisingly, i just told him to fuck off and die, in result .... i got a 19 stone man try and throw his body weight threw his fist into my face. its not good, but i supose its really not great when its your own farther. ive seen him this mornin, but all i got was OUT as soon as i passed him. god i feel fuckin fantastic, i just wanna get out as soon as possible, im sick of going to my sisters with her constant moanin about this and that and about how she is worried that this dusnt look right in the house blah blah blah and the brat of a child screaming and crying at stupid hours in the morning, he isnt my problem so i dont want to be sorting him out in the night, i think sleeping in a shed would be total bliss, you wouldnt have any twats of a family and nothing is going to moan at you for no reason. i hope there is a sale on at b n q.