~ vaults ~

the made up man up stairs has been playing with the sims with me again, i think every now and again, god likes to put the little green dimond above our heads and likes to add things or complicate things in our own world that seems so big to us. today god has decided to make me think of making a decision which feels wrong... but might provide somewhat of a plus for me.

i want some money again, i want some good money so i can spend when i want to again... but i want to be " sensible " with it, i want to use it for what money should be used for. not for green tea but for bits of wood and bricks.

that mind churning thought that has been running threw the spacious place called my mind still hasnt found the exit sign. i thought i was almost close to the way out, but i feel like i have relised its not all over yet, its not the end of it but i wish it was. the 2nd best feeling has kicked in, what a feeling eh, but its more with your own paranoia,its just that thought on a tredmill that every time its foot lands on the ground its imprinted harder. hmm i think i might have to send some event staff in to show this thing the exit, its well past its stay, if it wants to stay it will have to pay again otherwise its not staying in there much longer, how am i suposed to pay the rent.

is it just me or do random people you see in the street make you think of things that you wouldnt normaly think of, to me, personaly, not to you, well it might to you ... but to me, some people stand out more than others, they seem to show you a way of something that you might be missing? lacking? envying?... i envy people alot, i supose most people do, most woman do i think more than anyone, what is this world coming to, were all for competition, it has to be, its a dog eat dog world, or lion eat lion world, i think its tougher for survivle these days, people have to be " better " than the person sitting next to them, or there girlfriend has to be nicer than there mates just to have the upper hand, but has it always been like that? do we always have to buy the t shirt that costs 4 quid in one shop and 80 quid in the next just becuase you have the money to purchase the more expensive version, but i have to hold my hands up and say shoot me, i was a money whore, but like reborn again weridos i relised that ... dear holy god, i relised that in the name ov jesus,money isnt everything, i feel like a total twat for that, but yeh with out the god shit, i would live without money, if i had, this is going to sound so corny, but if you have someone that really loves you as much as you love them, and your happy, then you dont need that money, it helps but its not everything.. which some people find out. but getting back on the subject, ive relised money .. what it is... and how to handle it. and erm now i wudnt mind somemore just for a second chance... so god if your listening in the make belive world your from can you please hand me some, if you just put it in my bank or put it in a stamped envelope addressed to me i would be happy to look after it for you.... ill cheak my bank in the morning.

ive decided i want to know what people think, im going to come up with some speical device, maybe thats what ill get my money from... but erm no, i wanna no what people close to me think about, what takes up there thoughts mostly in the day and at night time and what is in them thoughts, its sad i no but i sat doodling the other day, more like a few days ago and for some reason i just did it, i wrote what was in my mind not the full blow wack, but what it was, who it was and what it was a about, i wrote it in order of what i think about most, and when i looked at it, it suprised me a bit, i didnt relises i spent so much of my time thinking of 1 thing and so much time not thinking about something else, every week it will change for people. but i dont no, im quite nosey 4 it, i like to no what people are thinking, god i think me and you are going to have to do some serious thinking and your going to have to give me some special powers, i really wish you were real sometimes, i could write you a letter or because its modern times im guessing you would have an email address, i could request things that i would like to try out like a trial subscription, i could pay you £2.99 a month for a free trial of things then i could download it onto my fone for a speical subscribers price if i thought it was worth it.

hmmmm.... iv had an update i think from myself, from liff asking me to do some more stuff with him im not sure if i should, its not that i shouldnt but i think i want to change the stuff i sing, i dont think im going to sing the stuff i do, the songs that are to personal to me, the ones that make me feel that everyone then knows you, i thought i was the only one like that but after talking to another dude that sings he said he felt exactly the same when he sings about stuff, i think its the 2 songs that really get me the most that i wrote myself that in away mean alot to me, i can always at no matter what time at my life look back at them and feel what i felt about it and understand it like when i wrote it, but its hard when someone else that doesnt know you hears it, you put this effort into it that you crnt stop it just happens and people know its not just something your singin because you can its becuase you want to and/or it means something to you proply. my feelings front is still totally weird with me, i like it but it feels like i need to keep reajusting the tap of the flow often, but the songs where you sing about something that is about your feelings, like something i wrote about someone i love, i have never wrote something where it has been totally and just about 1 person, its sorta always bin infuluenced if its something with feelings in, but i wrote it totaly from my own soul and what i felt, i let my feelings just take over and write what they wanted, but then again i dont want other people seeing my raw side of feelings, its odd and it makes me feel like i have been shown to everyone, a strange thing i no, but it feels like i have been put up on a podeum and people have the right to point the finger, the thing i think it all goes down to is i dont want someone to think its shit, i dont want someone to say i dont like it, even thought its normal but when its about something you love or something you have wrote about with a deep passion, its a bit of a kick in the ribs when someone says they dont like it, i havent ever had anyone say bad things about the song that would sorta kick me down like a man with wooden legs on a windy day, but i sorta now dont want to take the chance, of letting someone put it down, so i think i might not do it ne more but im not sure, the confidence barrier has been raised a bit, but its not high enough yet to reach normal, i think when it reaches normal i wont feel so raw about it as though people can see ' me ', fuckin hell i ramble on, but i think this is the only think i can let my mind talk to none stop, i feel like i have certain things that just buzz threw my mind and i just want to write about it, .... so the main topic on the daily beverley news headline is .... i dont no wether to sing the song i sing... dummmm dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum, i need to shut up and get some self confidence, but we no thats only going happen by 1 thing. but its sorta coming along.