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i dont no how to write stuff today... im not sure why... but i do, i have what i want to say in my head, but when i come to say it, or write it, i just dont no what to put. my brain seems to be stuck, which hmm, happens often and does seem to annoy me after a while.
ive fought my own efforts not to react harshly, because my mind seems to react irashinaly, it stresses so easy and it makes me think things are never going to make it to the destination that you want them to. the two sides to every story never seems to become something that you think about in certain mind stops, your mind keeps you on a track where you are wearing glasses that keep you looking foward, you carnt see behind you or by the side of you and your own concioiusness and paronia seem to push you foward, edging you towards something your not sure that is actully there, but once your mind convinces you to keep thinking about the subject, it seems to throw in food to feed it, it starts of a small person, then the food gets thrown into its mouth and it seems to grow uncontrolably. your mind seems to then be over run by this over fed mutant, and you dont want it to be. i seem to get lost in it though, no matter what it is, it seems like my feet have been up lifted and i get spirled into the mind trouble as though im phyisicaly there, its like your an alien from the world, and your mind has been taken for your day to day doings and put into a room with a window where you can see your normal going on.

my paronia has seemed to shift with things as ive done things, you feel great, until something for a unknown reason seems to trigger a glitch in you that makes you think things that you shouldnt. i feel like ive been a traiter to myself, i told myself that its not like this, this time. its all long gone stress that been washed away and left with no threats, but my paronia has now decided to kick into something i wanted to be left alone. but as i sit in my own head its like the food has now been served, everytime i think about things it seems to just feel worse to me, i feel like its going to be a repeat of the thing that happened before, and im scared that it is, its like this time the food that is being served is my fear, its my worse fear but my mind is loving feeding off it, i wish it would just spit it out.
i want to write it as the actual situation, but i crnt, my mind just wont let me, when i start to talk about it though, i relises that i shouldnt and couldnt be right, i feel like im a total moron for thinking it and taking it the way that i shouldnt, i feel like everything i worked upon undoing has just started creeping back in, or at least the stuff that was put in there. its not something i can explain. its cuts me, then the sense of normality seeps back in threw little gaps that... i didnt no where there, its like someone putting ice on sunburn and seems to be relif from it all. all the things that seemed all good seem to metamorphose into gremlins.

my family situation doesnt help, and i think its partly why i am thinking so much shit. with having such a stubborn farther i see how i can annoy people to some exstent. i hate him, i want him to stop all this, and i want it to return back to how it could be. i am starting to come round to the reality of im not welcome in my family anymore, and with now camping out at my sisters house for the meantime, im causing a conflict between her and my monster farther, which i dont want to do, i dont want to cause any kind of problems for anyone i love, and my sister does deserve things to happen to her, but not this, and my farther should uses his brain and see that his family arnt going to be always here.
its respect we all need and i want him to give it, ive given alot for him and i want it back in return. ... it scary to see my future without my family as i no, that soon, pretty much its going to be a distant thing i have with them. it makes me feel like ive been stuck in a swimming pool with out an exit, i feel like im trying to grab the walls for something to have there as the security for the things your family sorta of remote to, the thing that no matter what happens will be there, but, the thing that will always be there for most people.. now isnt for me. does this mean that i am now just total well and truely dependant on myself without the fall back safety? i dont mean for if ne thing goes wrong i have something to run to, but the thing that for anything, you have a home there, and the people love you, no matter what you have done in you life.
i feel like i wanna scream about it, even thinking about it makes me wanna scream so loud, it ither makes angry, or it makes me cry. i feel like putting my hands up and giving up in the game, ive sorta had enough. i wanna talk about it sometimes, but i dont no what to say, i want someone to listen, but i want the comments to come back be something that i can use, not just yes, hmmm ok, ov course. im sad its gone, but, what am i suposed to do, im trying my best and this time, my best doesnt mean anything, its just useless for them, its invisable, and something no one wants to take into acount. i dont want to bore people with my problems,i dont want to burden people with anything of mine, but this time my life feels like its starting to shrink into something i carnt see. everything that seems good to me, seems to leave, it leaves with just about everything tho, but there is always something that gets left behind that seems to go on a shelf that i crnt remove. i dont want to take the one in that keeps my head above water, its my only escape and the quailties of him are unique, hes saving me but i crnt talk about it as its not something thats wanting to be heard.
lifes such a shit game.