~ arm rest ~

why at half past 8 on a sunday morning, do they have to dig up part of the road outside my house?. is it some kind of joke where they injoy the satisfaction of everyones head pearing out of the window to see what the fuck is making the noise, i thought you wernt aloud to do stuff like that on a sunday, isnt it suposed to be a day of rest?, i think i might run out and ask them to stop for an hour or to while i get some more sleep, i dont think it would work but they might be dazed by the monkeys on my pajamas for a while.

i miss my riding now, i miss it alot, i miss the people, there is different kind of people that do it, the people are mad, no there insain kind of people that just dont give a fuck for anything, and is a good way to look on life when you think about how shit it actully is. its just made me think about it when i turned on the telly to drown out the noise of the road work morons, and travis was on the telly with the double back flip, i could have done that, infact if i looked after myself in the beginging i would have been able to do it and maybe be onto something else, to break something like that in the fmx world is ace, but i no what stuff it does to you, by the time i was 30 i would ither have pins in myself to keep my body together or 6 feet underground, not something i really want to look forward to, i supose its something i can just say, yeh i did that once, and move onto the next thing. it makes my wrist hurt and my ribs thinking about it, or maybe i slept on my wrist last night? i think i did, its looking pretty swollen.

the thought that how now left my head on the hopefully one way system to my messed up mind has been replaced, its something i think i need to speak about though, i think that is the only way im going to be able to solve the way i am feeling and the thought i have about it.
but if i do, i think im going to get the, for god sake look,the look to shut up and just leave it, and the it will be fine spoke my way. but really it will be fine doesnt solve anything at all infact it makes things worse,things are left in the learch and... the insicuritys of my mind seep in.

if you think about something in your life in one way, its a really good thing, then if you think about it in another way you get a feeling of shit, what do i do next? or the feeling of it could go wrong. these feelings things again have really taken over me, i hate it sometimes, it makes me feel things that i really havnt felt before, but im working on the turn of switch you can sometimes use for bits of things. things where you no its just gunna over load you or make you feel something that there isnt something there to feed the feeling.

i no that now, i have finally after years got over jamie. its sounds totally stupid, but its taken so long, its like there is no one there to just sit and talk to about it, you no when sometimes you just feel like you want to talk, and you just want someone there to listen to what ever your going to say and respect it, i think it can help when you do that, but i dont like saything thing to people becuase i dont want to bore them or take up there time when they could be doing anything else, i think maybe thats why it could have taken so long to over come, he was such a massive part of my life, but when someone like that gets taken away its hard its one of the hardest thing i have over come. but i no myself and so does a few people that he is still about, or he still thinks about us. he has even said it himself, and i like how he approves of what i do. you dont no these things i think until someone close to you passes away and they want to let you no something, he has been threw someone before and i hope in a few days he will be there again. but yeh J was a top dude, and i feel like i dont blame myself for what happened anymore, i feel like its all over and im just left with a nice feeling when i think about him, not guilt or the feeling of wanting to cry.

the road works are still going on .... why is there only two men though? i think there stealing bits of road to make there own. how dare they take mine.

hmmmm ive just relised what i have done for myself, after a unusual conversation with my mother, that never happens, were not close and i dont say anything personal or anything that is on my mind to her. but for some reason she got onto the subject of health, she nos i dont like going to hopsitals or places like that, but ive never head my mother give her opinion on things that have happened to me, there has been 3 things in my life that have nearly killed me off, 3 things and i havnt even hit half way threw my life, i feel lik a cat, and i hope there is only 1 more thing that will try and kill me off .... old age. she told me how she felt on the times and what went threw her mind, she knows i am strong willed on certain things and for some of them things i made it akward and hard for certain people, i feel bad for doing it but thats how i am, i hate people making a fuss over me and i hate hospitals with a combination like that i think they dont really tie well if there is something wrong. she didnt no how i felt really about it all, i dont think anyone really does they have an idea, but they dont no. but for some reason we sat and talked about it, i told her how it made me feel and what i thought about everything, we both shocked each other,and again thats one reason why i would love to look inside peoples head on what they think. i didnt realise things but now i do, and infact i liked to talk about it, i like to just sit and have a conversation like that, you get to no the other person that bit more, things that other people dont no about them and something that some people wont really talk about, and at the end ov it i felt a bit privaliged to no what i no now.