~ koolio ~

well ... so much has happened in so little time. i came back from grosetto yesterday, its in tuscany in italy and i didnt want to come back, can you blame me though? its historic and fasinating, its got breath taking views and the weather is a bonus. aswell as the scrummy blokes that seem to just appear from everywhere. the week away made me relises alot of things, what i want, what i need and well it did its job but i still dont want to be home, i want to feel the warmth against my skin again, i want to be able to wake up in the morning look out my window and see the lizards run around in the grass below my window, i want to watch the sun set on the mountains surounding me and just have no worries at all around me, just the worry of what i am going to do today. then i returned home ... as soon as we touched down i new i was back to the smiley happy faces of people that had a bubble over there head just full of problems, the fast paced life here just makes people stressed, to touchy and upset and they rub it off onto everyone else, its super good! i got back to the problems of roddey and how he is such a twat, how people sit with a face like a smacked arse for the night in the pub then i relised... life sucks. no matter how you try to cover it up or forget about it, you always have some kind of shit to top your day your week or your year off. its total quality.

~ nob head ~

i couldnt sleep last night, all my thoughts were going round my head faster than a nascar track and the crowd were throwing things onto the track to make it even harder to sleep. ive got to much to think about at the moment, upon many things i have the man called roddey to think about, well think about no more i need actions, actions speak louder than words huh? well lets hope so. ive had enough of having little and not often calls from him and i think the jelousey has set in with him, but im not really sure, for things that have happened at the moment then well, i thought he would be more caring, more talkative and well made more communication.
he is thick bless him, like most men, and like most woman can always do its not always that hard to track your bloke down when you really need to, then they always seemed puzzled on how you actully new were they were, its simple though there only in a few places or with some people, and them people and places arent hard to get intouch with, its just the person your trying to track down thats hard to get intouch with.
to be honest though, i like roddey but love isnt really coming into it much, its fading with the shity moody attitude that he produces when he is ill .... the man flu or well the pretend cold. but i want to talk to him about it, so apartly were meeting up today at half 2 ... but if we actully do is a different thing ... its really well ... a joke. if he doesnt answer or decides to just egnore it and forget then well ill fuckin go mad, im so annoyed my stomach doesnt want to be fd and the thought of food repulses it, my body is just craving ciggarettes but to many, im getting the cravings that will turn me into a sucked up faced old woman with major wrinkles butthe way im feeling at the moment i dont care. i will care later on though, you regret it afterwards? ... well due to it all i have one thing to thank him for, ive managed to loose 2 stone nearly 3 in 2 months, well done bev ... thanks roddey the no food lark helps to get thin.
even though im up and down with my feelings about him i think the plan im on is on its way to the ground. ive never actully wanted to talk to someone so much with anger but not no what to say to them? ... i dont no were to start or how to word it, is got to the point were im angry over the top, what the fuck am i doing? actully ... i feel like i want to scream and then maybe cry for a short while but it wouldnt be apropriate, it would just be stupid and worthless aswell as pointless ... its quater past ten ..should i ring him at half 12 istead of 2? i think i might have to ahhhh but he wont answer :@ FUCK this is annoying

~ half way home ~

i forgot farthers day this year, well not really forgot, i was to busy in my own world to relises the importance of why we have these days to our parents. there days to show you and make you see what and who your parents are, and my dad is cool, far from cool my dad is super cool.
i feel ashamed aswell as disapointed in myself to forget and put the day to the back of my mind.
the night before i was out on the heavy stuff of whiskey and when i woke my head and body regreted the decision to fill my glass again and again the night before. when i woke up in the hours or the afternoon i quickly went to the local shops to get him a card, what strange collections of cards, there is some total tatty cards with tacky saying that make you laugh in the way of feeling sorry for anyone that recives it. but thinking to the day that has now come and gone i should have gone out and spent time with him, done the farther daughter thing but we didnt. i supose we do it often though but its still not an exuse to forget such a day.
my dads a great guy, he has his moments tho, like when he relises that you have spent far to much on fone calls and he is the one handing out the cash to pay for it, or when you fancy some more money he seems to try and get the point across of money doesnt grow on trees, but as normal he will dish it out to me. im spoilt really, behond belief and i think i always will be, im spoilt with money aswell as love. me and my dad have had some great times, we still do, his humour and mine are the same were sick and twisted and seem to trigger each other off to make each other worse, we fix there house up together and for that he has taught me trades that i dont think many woman no, i can plaster, put up walls, do plumbing, do his main job of an electrican and most other things all because of this man, its come in handy already and i dont think i have ever thanked him fully for it, i should have on farthers day. bless him, through all of the main dad and daughter conflicts i love him to bits, i really do, i couldnt wish for a better dad than i have because there just isnt one. im sorry i forgot farthers day ....

~ money ~

twenty miles to fast acelaration on the gas,
while she wakes up to the glass and reaches out for her baby,she reaches out for her baby,
the sun wakes up the birds are singing she wakes up to the day,
the skys are clear new life appears and all she sees is the rain, everyday is the same,
ciggarettes all stamped on the desk empty bottles on the ground,
baby picture on the fridge of katie reachin for a hug, all she new about was love,

2001 to 2005 always remembered by her beautuful smile, katie tattooed on her arm, now mommas gotta live on, lullabye,
memorys of walks down to the park, and drawing flowers on the pavment, and sharin double scoop ice cream, her favourite flavour was strawberry,
empty swing and empty yard and empty playhouse,
her only joy is now gone and now she is left all alone,

2001 to 2005 always remembered by her beautuful smile,
katie tattooed on her arm, now mommas gotta live on, lullabye, lullabye

30 miles to fast acellarator,
on the gas she wakes up to the glass that shatters just like the past she reaches out for her baby,this time katie takes her hand this time in heaven,

1976 to 2005 always remember by her beautiful smile, sarah tattooed on her arm now mommas gota live on, lullabye, lullabye,
2001 to 2005 always remembered by her beautuful smile, katie tattooed on her arm, no grandmommas gotta live on, lullabye, 1976 to 2005 always remembered by her beautuful smile, sarah tattooed on her arm, now mommas gotta live on, lullabye,

~ dont loose your way ~

its damp, humid and overcast, it looks like the rest of the day will be the same, but my worlds sunshine is beaming, i can feel a sunshine ray that has seemed to warm the hole of my body up just leaving it kissed with the suns warms, even though the sun hasnt even apeared from the clouds yet. the reason for this? .... roddey stayed last night.
he left for work at 6 this morning and since then my bed has felt empty, im falling to fast still and im not sure if i can actully see if there is anything to hold onto to stop the fall.
everything seems good apart from the contact side, its still not changed but its ok i supose im getting used to it. this weekend is now a dread to me, satarday night now feels like i need to do everything in my power to stop roddey going to cornishes, why you ask? .... ant will be there. the lad i ended up kissing the weekend i broke up with roddey, the only reason im worried is he told me that he liked me the night i first got with roddey, i think if ant and roddey are together on satarday something will be talked between them, or at least my name will come up in conversation and i really hope nothing is said, im more than worried now... ahhhh im falling to fast for a bloke i would normally turn away and laugh at if i had new what i do now, i need to sort of disingage, maybe if something is said he will relises its because we wernt together? but what if he is to simple minded and just thinks i did it so fast because i didnt care about him? but i did, i did it as a rebound. hmmm its to hard to explain to someone that doesnt even no yet, should i tell him?. fuck this my heads taken over and i need some sleep. but hmm im not ready to sleep.

~ wot the ... ~

ever had the feeling when you wake up in the morning and you think, i want to rewind time, be sober and relive it? .... thats my morning. my night ended up me doing something i didnt expect, roddey was asleep most of the night then came round with his mate clev, which in other words already spells out disaster in huge letters in my head, but me being me i eased up to the idea and thought what the heck just come round and ill see what i can get hold of, to my good but also bad advantage i got a decent amount and we all proceeded round to my getto. as the night went on, the drink was flowing well aswell as the smoke, and my head lifted, my arms were tingly and i new i was in the clam state of mind, totalllly chilled.
sounds ok tho huh? .... well, as the night when on we decided to call up a mate to see if he wanted to come round, thumbs up and he came, but he had already been in the pub since 3, bad idea when its now half 11, so the night went on, and he decided before he got in roddeys car he would be sick, but no, not just the normal way people do, he does projectile vomiting, not nice on your ears i must say, when i hear someone being sick it make smy stomach churn. so i started to worry, i had drank a good few bottles of wine, and my stomach was now telling me the sounds my ears were hearing were making it sqwerm. so roddey clev and ben piled in the car with me and joanna standing at the gate, just as he was about to drive away.... blah i was sick at the bottom of the step, i was thinking to myself shit, i look fuckin ace here, roddey just stopped the car and looked at me being sick, i finally got the words of ... why are you looking at me being sick?! out of my mouth. what a night i must say, im so imbaressed the only thing im thinking of is, i bet its put him off me with being sick, im a fuckin stupid twat ive got to say. but life throws what it wants at you, i supose its just the way you deal with them that you have to worry about. i think ill stick some chill out tunes on and have a ciggarette.

~ teravision ~

its cold, my toes are like ice and im thinking about wether to put them back into my bed or not, or maybe i should get up get ready and do the tidying of the room im in that i should do, but looking at the mound of clothes makes my brain hurt and makes me feel tired, its really down to i cant be bothered. im home alone and this time im totally bored, my telly friends dont seem to entertain me as much as they used to, maybe i need new morning friends? ... trisha and mr kyle seem to talk about the same things everytime i watch them, this time good old trisha is talking to 4 dole wallowers and asking them why they dont have a job, then there is some mug waiting in the audience with 10 grand to give to one of them, why? ... why would you give that amount of money to someone that deep down just cant be arsed to get off there ass and get themselves a job to support themselves and there familys. everyone feels better with a bit of cash in there pocket, so why dont they? ... time to change the channel.
jenny powell is back with to buy or not to buy ... this is even worse, she must be skint again if she is doing programs like this, but im finding myself watching this complete shite.
since ive been left for a few days i think its time for some serious song writing, ive had stuff going on at the moment that i really want to write about, so i think now its the best time... a free house for just pure music and ciggarettes... bliss.
i think its another reason why i havent blogged 4 a bit, no well it is the reason, with to much going on its to much to write about mentally, its something that if you wrote about it, it would trigger things off in the situation that your blind to, its a good thing but at the moment i dont want to do it, im getting ready to be broken into two and im not sure if im glad or not so ill let it happen then deal with it when it happens. its strange how we all cope with things in different ways, people turn to different ways to cope to get over and to deal with it to the next person beside them, i supose it really does show that were all individules, we all think look and sound different aswell as act.
im off on holiday in 3 weeks, well the count downs started, im off on the 25th of june to tuscany, just me and my mate and to be honest i cant wait to just get out there for the peace and tranquility, were going to grosetto, it seems a really nice place a quite but yet busy village that seems like it will take care of all my needs at the moment the wine will be in full flow and im thinking so will the sun, so once again my skin will be touched with a bronze look and im more than pleased to top it back up at the moment.
ill get off my chest what i need to, if i dont say it now then im not sure how it will come out, maybe all in 1 to someone who doesnt want to no? but thats the best thing about blogger its a thing that lets you talk .... im finding myself falling for a bloke who is a bloke bloke, the one that makes you feel so safe when he hold you, the bloke thats built nice and muscley and has a good strong man job where he works outside and gets himself some nasty work scars. a proper bloke.
i find my heart doing the strange skipping a beat thing when i look into his big brown eyes, then when he kisses me i feel like im in bliss, then it ends and he hugs me and it feels like im in the safest place in the world. you dont see the problem yet though do you? i didnt and dont until im not with him. its like trying to get intouch with a dead person, infact i think i might have more luck with a dead person, he doesnt answer his mobile, no sorry let me rephrase that, he doesnt use his mobile often so its like the lottery, will he answer today or wont he? it annoyed me the fact i cant seem to talk to him even once in a day but then when im with him, i cant get angry with him, he is kind careing, and the hugs i get off him just make me think fuck it i just want to sit and smile because im with him.
with me being the first girlfriend he has had its made me think, maybe he genuinely doesnt no what to do? he told his best mate that who erm ... sort of spilt the information across to my way. i can see why he is scared of the things he is, but i cant see why his contact is so shit, thats the only thing that is getting to me, the relationship seems to be moving on like a normal one he is the one saying he misses me, he loves me and he really wants to be with me, so why are you so shit with your contact roddey? ahhh. my heads battered but ive got the sort of safe place were im shutting down my feelings again incase there is something that kicks off, i dont want to be hurt again, i dont like my heart aching even tho the pain makes you relises that your alive, your heart tells you that its there and that it needs to be fixed but it takes to long to fix and you cant have things to help it heal it just has to heal on its own.
i can find myself falling fast though and im trying to hold onto things to stop it, its working but i dont want to stop it, i just want some contact so i can continue with my fall to crash and burn at the bottom. i miss my man, but i no he will be at work outside working hard like he always does.

i think im gunna write some lyrics this afternoon instead of tidying up this room, roddey will thinks is a mess if he actully does come round but .... i dont care.
ill go and book a hire car for my holiday, its gunna be fun, ill laugh be drunk and my stomach is hatching itself butterflys at the moment... im excited.