~ count to ten ~

people dont think time machines exsist, but ... we sort of have a place machine that can transport us to places we want to go, all in one place dotted around countrys, its called your airport.
you walk in and within a few moments you can walk to different places that will take you to a totally different land, you could go to the home of kangaroos, you could travel to a place where you where in the middle of world war 3, or you could go some where totally tranquil, and so many more places, you just have to choose. you walk down a corridor that leads you to a can with seats, you sit down and within a few of our earthing minutes your somewhere else.
the airport is one of my favourite places, i just didnt relises it, you can go so many places.

i love it when the sun goes down, its something people miss without relising it, but its beautiful, everytime it goes down its different, just like every sun rise, the big firey star who is the most famous thing in our solar system dims its light leaving a light that is a colour of many, and can not be discribed at all to anyone unless you are there. i am still one of the biggest fan of the sun, he is great im getting his autograph on my skin everyday and we no that only the sir sun can produce a colour like this.

how many options do you have at the moment, with everything in your life? ... seriously what is going on at the moment where you have something quite important to choose, hmmm ... take the best option that our heart wants to, at times you should never let your heart rule your head, but this time just do it. to many peoples trampolines have to many holes in it, they jump and then they make themself a hole to stop them jumping again, just clear your throat, wash your hair and walk down to the shop and get a new trampoline, jump and take the risks you want to, you can always go back to what you had.

i crnt seem to write alot these days because well... im happy, ... i write when im not so happy, when things bother you they get the privalige and speical treatment to be written about, but at the mo jo, i feel like like im well, good, better than ever, and funnyto me, everythings funny so lets group the bastards together. hmmm i do have something to report though, its something of a breakthrough of this world of mine ... the gutair is going, and im getting there, infact im proud, i give myself a gold star actully with making up your own stuff aswell is alot easier, but well, i didnt have a clue to be perfectly honest... but with a few simple teaching methords from mr bremaner i have well got to the simple but stuff i need to no... i think the mellow fellow doesnt have to lay low.

how many grudges do you hold against some people? ... is there things that your so bitter about that you still hate them after a long time? ... its pointless .. whats it going to do? no matter what you do, you need to forgive and forget after your afternoon tea, look into the future ahead, are you old or are you young? is your life worth a cloud hanging in it when there a conversation topic which is going to happen at some point in this lifetime of yourself. ground your life in a straight path that has a few stop of points that way you wont get lost and loose yourself along the way, you see the right things in life . . . dont be a grump, no one really truely loves a grump, there boring, old and age to quickly. be a doodler ... be over joyed and over loved, and feel lucky : )

ive found something that i feel discribes me in a way i feel is something that is well ... quite acurately scary ... ' im not a young girl anymore but ive got the face of an 18 year old, im not who i used to be trust me ive got plans every day next week, you no your getting older when the kids on the corner have you baffled everytime they speak, looking round at my friends and i see that an end of an erea has come to pass the fun and games and the fluid in our brains have been reduced by half everythings changed but im doing pretty well '.... hmmm i think its to simple and loads of people can relate to it, but i just think it seems to be me at the moment. im glad though, and it feels good....

maybe my fingers have spoken alot, ill let the sunshine melt through my window and fall upon my hair ...

~ grape shoe ~

ive been busy again, but its good busy again. i feel like its all going the right way which i no it is. the feelings of sucess is ace, its a feels ive had before but i dont no, with this one being because i want to do it and ive chosen it, it feel different.
im looking about at most people and they all seem like there not happy with anything they have, and i think its because they dont no what they have, they all think its something that comes naturally, but everything you have isnt... you have really worked for it in some way or another.
negative people piss me off, why are they looking so shit on life, they sit there with some of the best things and they mope around and moan about everything, about where they live or whats going on isnt good enough, how work is so shit ect ... but your living somewhere that your not really going to get killed, your no underthreat! your nothing, its something some people wish so badly for... and at least you have a decent job and are bring in some cash that is well, decent! ... so stop moaning but a smile on your face and get ready for the sunshine im reciving.

~ a walk in the park ~

i feel like ive let my blogger down, i feel like ive havent really written anything for a while when really i have,well i apologize and i can only put it down to being to busy to write anything, in the past few days i have planned my future sort of my life and i feel like the wheels are in motion to the life that i want, i think i was correct about this year. a busy life style can be something healthy when you love what your being busy about. It looks like the media is going to be my career for the future and there on, im pretty excited about it, im more than excited and it feels so good, my stomach is filled with more than butterflys, it feels like its got happiness and love and just everything thats good in it.
My farther and i are back to mates, why? because i found out why, it was what he new would happen he said, you get a money grabber? correct. well my dad, your wise but i wish you had told me this all along, he is more than happy with whats going on now though, hmmm so everything is back on track as it was really, apart from the picture of the place i am going to is different, just a different place on the world, somewhere you wont get bored to easily i dont think and well its one of the best places in the world. i dont think i could hack the yes no, oh ov course, really i agree, lifestyle with making shitty dinner for someone, i would give up and find someone a little more exciting, maybe someone with more than simple jeans and plain t shirts, and maybe a few unique tattoos up there arms that are far from tacky . . . bring on the beach, and the fun and the sun i say and the nights i will never forget.

im still highly addicted to starbucks coffee, its becoming more and more of a need than a want, i think they have drugged me past the stage off adiction, give me a cappacuino with some chocolate on the top and a bit ov vanilla, mmm .....

~ apple orange strawberry ~

ive spent tonight watching bbc2, the television company that really make us pay our tv licence, and the one that is going to end sooner or later. i watch the 911 cospiricy, it was nothing new to me, and as alot of people no, if you type into google, 911 mysterys, and look for the hour and half one, you will learn abit from just watching five minutes of it aswell as finding out the narators voice is the most annoying thing in the world, you make you own mind up about what you think went on. my opinion is the goverment did it, the building wouldnt colapes with planes crashing into it, if it had been built to with stand things like that.... there was work going on in the building where floors at a time where shut off, and banging and drilling went on when refits ect wernt planned, i supose that can be explained by anything though, there could have been air conditioning problems or something but i think there is to much evidence to say .. it was the goverment, stuff like that intrest me alot and scare the shit out of me, when it seems to me as though the goverment will just kill off people to make what they want to happen. just like the london bombings which i feel were goverment plotted, if you think back to what was going on with the goverment at the time ... would it just be a great thing if something distracted the publics attention and by the time the deverstation was over, the goverment was standing there with a smile on there face waiting for us all to play in there hands because we were all scared it could happen to us and our own families.

i could be all wrong, maybe i am, but its the way i see things on this, its only going to get worse, we all no it is, and its another reason why im getting out as soon as possible. i dont want to be stuck in a country that in the future will end up a worse shit hole than it already is.

well on that note... after the 911 program i watch the kurt cobain thing, i am a sucker for Kurt cobain, he is ace, he was craving fame but i think he did it in the most intresting way, well not really, but because he was quite, his words could mean a number of things he just well came across to be, something most people could relate to, all his songs were good to just realt something onto, ive read tons of books that are suposidly his biography each one state something different at the end for how he died... was it plotted by him? did he do it ? or did cortney do it? or someone else, no one will know bar a few people which i bet new about it, but he was a legend, and he didnt want to be forgotten or left alone, his music is something that will always be classed as unique and bands will copy and try and develop there sound and image to be like theres.

~ hatch back ~

hmmm... im been moaning about men for a bit as you can tell if you read this often, but it seems as though i have relised why i have been. A partner in life its well something that you fall back on at times, when everything else in the world is crazy someone is there, its some one to tell you what you want to hear about yourself, its someone to complain to when you need to and well to have some to kiss and cuddle, you can have all of that and not love someone, but once you have has it contunuisy for a while afterwards you miss the little bits of the cuddles the kiss and well the way you were told things, so if someone starts to tell you, you let them without stopping them, but ive stopped it sort of, ive told andy exactly where we stand and, yeah i feel really really good for it, after the phone call to see if i was home alright at a stupid hour in the morning i started to think really he has got abit to into this?... well it took a while for me to think of something to say but i said it, it came out right and well he now understands, i havent had a text message this morning which i feel prety relived about. i really keep thinking about what i want, and im not going to just go with the flow this time, i dont want to hurt him and i have to put him straight, i supose that way its good for both of us, and we will both sorta relises what we want. i feel better for saying that and i think this is going to be a bit that i normally talk about might be able to just well disapear a bit, which i hope.

how corny is tv these days, i have a sad addiction to hollyoaks on a sunday morning if im about, my old lecturer used to do sound for them and left becauses he got so bored of it, im not suprised, its worse than emerdale. i feel like i have let myself down for this, its so sad, so patheticly sad i shouldnt be watching shit like this!

~ smoke some weed ~

last night was eventful, i had a laugh actully more than i thought i would, after i got in the car and relises as we were nearly there that well ... it was starting to rain well i thought thats got to be the lord almighty telling me that tonight i should have stayed at home ... but no! it was good, i think i must have drank cocktails all night, a plus and a negative, there tasty they get my drunk quickly but to quickly. we ended up going round the quayside most of the night, which was great with not having much money i have managed to come back with ten pounds more .. how does that seem to work? im not really sure but im not complaining.
men ... where do i start? i get asked this everytime i am out, are you from round here? your not are you? you dont have the full accent... it doesnt take a wiz kid to work it out but it seems to pull in the men pretty well. the last bar we were in, which was the best bar of the night which is always the same, i seemed to pull a scottish man, i dont no what it is with there accent but hmmm it intrests me, i was half cut but by the end of the night at the club i seemed to be sober.me and the scottish fellow! seemed to have a good crack on and well we just got chatting, you always seem to get the lads that after you have taken the micky seem to well ...like it, they see that your a laugh i think, we started chatting about everything and its always my luck to get the can i have your number types... but i was thinking to myself all the time, you live in scotland you freak why do you want my number, you are going to think well because he was drunk, but no he wasnt, he was actully seriously asking for it, so erm as normal i gave him the wrong one, the 1 digit missing technique always seems to work. as my friends came to tell me it was time to get my taxi the look upon the scottish mans face seemed to drop he didnt seem to pleased and it was asthough he was totally gutted, it was flattering in a way, but i thought no thanks mate. he was pretty scrummy, he has bright blue eyes the ones that seem to stand out like ice white and darkish skin, with black hair, the number 1 hair cut, with the beard to match it, the nice dress sense and well he was mmmm. the fun time of my night seemed to buzz through me till i got home. the converstion in the back of the taxi was about scrotums, i think its a pretty funny word, and well so does my mate jo, so your a scrotum seemed to be passed back and forth between us. just as i thought my night was finished i got a call from andy. it was at 2.30am and he goes hi are you still out... i was thinking please god dont let this be the start of another paul of cheaking up on me where ever i am, but he seemed to alright. i told him i was getting back into my home that i live in jo was with me and i was fine, he just said im really sorry for ringing but i just wanted to make sure you got home safe i no what blokes are like when there drunk and i just wanted to make sure u were safe, i said i was and that was it he said good night and ended up texting me later in the day. i dont no wether to take it as, well over the top, or take it as just plain caring, i would do it to my best mate jo if i no she wasnt in safe, and she would do it me. but when its a male that well seems to like you im not sure what to put it down to.

well, it seems that ive learnt something new again today... the greeks have 4 different words for love, i didnt no that, did you? ... there for how you love things in different ways, Eros is the passionate love, with sensual desire and longing, where erotic comes from. then ther is phillas which is friendship a dispassionate virtuous love. Storge is a natural affection, like parents feel for there children and the last one is the best one of all times, Agape, it is an all inclusive unconditional love. to have agape is to see all people doing the best they can with the light theyve got. Agape is not spoke its a space you rest in, a state of being that is pure uninhibited love. some one in this state is not looking for a return on the investment, in fact they dont see it as an investment at all, this is remarkable compassion. even though, i might start using that word, its good.

i want to be able to use the last word, but i want to be able to use it meaninfully, i dont think i have been able to well, since never, i think every relationship bar jamie and andy i have been pushed into being in, it wasnt an option really at the start, you dont want to hurt the other persons feelings so you cringe but you see how you have made them feel, i supose its my own fault i hold myself responsible for just going with the flow, at the time you think its right but it isnt infact its one of the worst things to do in the world. paul started off as well, as just a mates mate, things got going and he got to attatched a drunken confermation that i liked him alot seemed to head him off in the direction that we were together, i couldnt tell him we wernt as he was so happy about it... i thought if i just layed low and acted a freak he would start to go off me, but hmm it didnt work i felt bad and wanted to get out of it but i couldnt hurt his feelings, i started to well like him, i loved him, then well the reationship turned into a game of how hard can we hit B?.then steve seemed to be a bit similer, i liked him i thought he was cool but he was to ahead of the game.... as i was starting to like him he was in the can we be togther stage? i should have learned my lesson with paul and said no, but as i didnt want to hurt his feelings i just went with it. i blame myself and yes, it is my fault i think it causes more problems than good, i supose it only can cant it. but well, ive changed my ways i shouldnt have been like that anyway and i supose now im doing ok. and i apologise for how i have been.
but the next one will be different... this time i supose its going to be the way ive wanted it to be from the start yeah? like the way when i liked andy and i was with someone we got attracted to each other, we had the click that had this crazy spark that seemed to just make each other just well, want to be with each other when we were together, he would listen but yet be funny and he just well gave me that funny feeling inside, and when you no the feeling is mutual its a buzz from somewhere your not sure exsited, everything else seemed well meaningless. but as i was in a relationship it just seemed to just have to be egnored, but now its asthough now i am a free agent, well, im not looking for half of it, just some of it? i dont no, i think i should no what i am looking for before it all goes the way i want it to right? hmmm correct, i think ill take my mates advise.

its about 20 to 2 in the morning and i feel like i can keep talking, well maybe i will, i have jason mraz playing away in my ears and the more i listen to more he inspires me to just say something... why is this? i have to say the song at the moment that i really recomend to download no really download it now is .... over my head by the fray, i dont no what it is about the song but is purely addicting, but i will recomend any jason mraz song, i have every single one of his songs well i like to think i do as i love his lyrics, they seem to make sense, but reading my blog for some reason ive been listening to hey love by jason mraz, i think its a hard song to find, but its worth it, my friends not into that kind of music its well to suttle for her, but she made me email it to her tonight, and, she now loves it, i do, it was ,well, the song that it sounds sad to say made me relise that life goes on when you break up with some one you think you love. you have to listen to it when you have your headfones in, and listen to what it says, its ace i recomend every song by mraz, ill do anything is also another good one from him. but you HAVE to get the songs right now, stop what your doing get on your free download software and get them or get your mates to do it for you and email you it, prefurbly listen to them when you read this blog i dont no why, but its seemed to help me write them better so you will then be in the same frame of mind well as i have been writing it.

its now quater past 2, i went for a coffee, but well, i didnt tell you that, i didnt really need to say brb to you did i? ... i cant sleep as you will be able to tell, but if you have got this far your eyes will be falling asleep, or you wont have even got this far? ... maybe you have given up on what i have written and just well ... just colapesed on a heap on the floor or gone to wash your shoes? ... i hope 2moro is going to be entertaining, i dont want a boring day, but im going to go riding i think infact i am, i will, and i have to ... ive just told myself. peace out dear reader if your still in with this you are truley a hardcore reader of boring blogs. keep it real.

~ something here ~

Robbie T, he is a good mate to me, and is a producer of music that is well, off the hook! as he would say. garage music is good, garage music is ace and underground garage is fuckin amazing. he is going to go more than far and with the contacts he has yeh, he will be biiig! ... music is still a big thing to me, im one of these people that like to look for the meanings, the hidden meanings of why there actully singin it, not in the shitty produced music where the people who are singing havent written it but the music where the artist has written it for a meaning. im sad i no, but its ace i dont sit there with a pen and paper at the ready but i think about it when i listen to it,with being ill i havent been able to sing, which i didnt think would effect me that much but ive missed it quite abit, i wanted to go over to liffs this week and try some new stuff but i think im gunna have to wait until next week. but for the mean time ill stick with the husky voice that seems to fade out my voice after every sentance i say.

i have strict instructions about tonight given to me by tree stump, go out have a laugh, and pull anything that has a cute smile nice eyes and isnt a 2 tun tessy. i dont think it will be that hard, but yep i think im going to go for the instructions and follow them well. i need to get completely wasted, its the law, i need to get so drunk i would listen to toni blair talk about his arse for a month.

the andy thing.... fuck knows with the andy thing really, its like well i dont no what its like, i like him, i have feelings for him but yet i dont no what i want, im over the steve thing, it boils down to a pan of rice of he is a cunt that is self centred and has to be right, where as he isnt, so why be with him or even remotly think about him? well ive got my sights set on what i want and it was never planned to be set on the bahamas so im glad i have that all the way out of the picture, not my cup of tea, and i love to be in the atmoshpere something where people have a laugh and have the same sense of humour as me, i like you shoes.

~ balance ~

oh my god, do people not actully realises that in this world that technology isnt THAT fantastic, yes i agree it can be great, it controls most things in this world but to get excited over something, well, like a bit of plastic just doesnt cut it for me, i would prefur to get excited over a cow being sick. wow, fantastic, a computer has been made with a bigger screen, wow, look a computer now has a faster chip, wow look there is now a new mobile with a microwave in it, yeah it would be cool for a microwave fone, but yet im sorry but its to stupid.
concentrate on something more important like ... hmm... what your going to wear today, or even if your sad and dont have any friends if your actully going to leave the house? ... emagin sitting in your house all day long sitting on the interent as a hobby, where as instead, you could be out with friends, or you could be out doing something else thats more productive. maybe even get some fresh air that we are so desprately talking about or .... getting a life.

i am so fortunate for the friends i have, i have alot, infact at times i feel like i dont have time for them, i love them all and well, i think there likewise for me. im going to miss them alot i think when i go, friends are friends and they really help you be the person you are, they keep you, well just you. places arnt just a place when your friends are there.
i feel bad for leaving the best friends i have, i dont want to seem like i am up and leaving.. but yet i am really? ... im sorry is all i can say and they can only be happy for me. like i would be happy for them.

the words i love you have shocked me and come out of andys mouth, there were meaning full and well... some what an impact on me. i felt like there had been a bomb go off in my head, a bomb that seems to give me shell shock for a few moments as i just said nothing, to soon i think dont you?... its gone on for a bit but now the words of i love you .... i LOVE you... loves a strong word dont you think? when you say it someone do you mean it? or do you just say to because its nice to say? . . . i think some couples say it to much, its a passive thing that seems to just come from each others lips to make the other one feel good, but they dont mean it as much as they do when they have thought about things... if you think about your partner look at them and relise what you love about them and then tell them, its meaning ful, it makes you feel good aswell as the other person, but when you just say it out of converstation it just .. well doesnt really mean anything does it? ... i think that means that less i love you's until you mean it, and more actions. i think that would make some realtionships a bit better.

~ dancing skirt ~

ive made my mind up with what i want, i think ill go with the andy option, ill give it the reasons of because he has what i want, well what i think i want at the moment, no one can really say what they want 100% as things change all the time, things like your out look on things, and your out look on what you want for your future, a partner in your life can step in the way of a dream simply because they dont want what you want, even so, when you do decided the different future aproach, you meet new people, the new people that seem to want the same thing as you, and they are living the life you want and want to live, you then i think will get attracted to the people that you think are the ' people of the time' . a change in your life changes not just one thing but it changes everything. i think with andy the change of personality of what i had is what i need, he is the easy going type, the one that will make a laugh out of everything and seems like if i want something different at anytime, he will just suport it, even if i wanted to change a career into grass picking he would just go with it and make sure i was with the best ' grass picking ' company i could be. its weird, he appreciates you in no matter what you are in, if you had a turnip outfit on he would still say you looked nice, even if he was lieing which with the ways he says it i dont think he is.
hmmmm life has alot of things lined up for you doesnt it? maybe this is the start of something that could be good? ... with him being in northampton for a few more weeks i can see what i want more than ever really i have time to think and all the things to go with it.

ive now got to go to nikeatas for her birthday, something i really dont want to do,i crnt be bothered with the stupid laugh you have to do when you pretend your injoying yourself. her family will be there so it will be even more... fantastic, just like when i went to steves family gathering, you dont really no anyone and your just sitting there thinking my shoes are so more exciting. ... god i am sooo excited. please help, please will someone come and save me from this exciting wonderful fun packed afternoon... i crnt see it happening, i might just ring andy and see how he is when im there, it will make the smile from hearing his voice look asthough im injoying myself.

~ just cant loose it ~

its snowing again outside, ive been away to london for 3 days and i have had one of the best time in a while, it ended up with just me and my best mate jo going, then i asked andy if he wanted to meet up down there as he was in northampton again, so on the first day, after not actully seeing him for a few weeks and things on a totally different perspective i was pretty excited, but nervous to... i dont no why, its just them feelings that over come you, so 6 o clock in the moring i was up and getting ready to go get the train to london as though i was a little kid getting up for christmas. i got in to kings cross at about 12 and it just felt right, me and andy met up and just had a laugh from then on, jo ended up meeting with a few people she knew and me and andy spent the whole night in the pub chatting and just well socialising, i feel like its to early to get back into a realtionship, but maybe it isnt? instead of him going back to northampton, he stayed back at our hotel, im chuffed he did actully, nothing went on but i duno he makes me feel safe, he has the man front and he isnt up his own arse, he is him he is normal and just well, he just has this calmness about him that draws you in, when i was with steve things seemed a bit odd with me n andy we would talk all the time, he was my best mate, but then i found out it wasnt really just best mates he wanted, i started to think that well blokes as woman always find out are normally twats deep down, but hmmm we just sort of got far to uncomfortable and close, and we just split from friends, he moved out and well i wasnt to happy with it, but i have to say i did sorta like him alot, he is the nice looking one, but its when the nice ones are to nice and you just dont no if there on your scale. but i dont no if its a rebound, but i get that funny feeling inside when we talk now, he makes me feel really safe, we no each other, and its pretty obvious he still feels the same as he did a few years ago.

london was great tho! i dont think i have had a laugh like that for ages, the hotel we stayed on looked onto some flat, we then discovered a man was dancing naked oposite and we found nightly entertainment, i went to the shop across the road and looked up at the hotel, it wasnt just our room that was admiring the weird mans dance.... its was most of the hotel, it was one of the weirdest things but it was so funny, he was spinning doing high kicks and everything and we new that he new people were watching him, he rounded his dance up with drawing a love heart on the window in the steam that he has produced after dancing for a good hour. my mate has it on her phone and it has to go on you tube!. i didnt manage to go to the tate britain, im pretty gutted actully, i really wanted to see the art by banksy the dude of all time at the moment, its just another excuse to go back i think really. its great to be back in the free position though because i can go anywhere i want, you dont have to make sure its sorta alright if you go somewhere, but i think in a few weeks ill go back there, its busy, fast, but when your not a londoner you are intrested in what is there, to find yourself staring at a church that mr shakespear himself attended wrote about and admired it feels like history is actully true and not just a story, with him writing things that poor kids have to learn about world wide and him being a total history ledgend it felt weird knowing that you were really standing where he was, infact i learnt alot in just 3 days, im sad to say but im a freak for history and knowing that the song oranges and lemons was originated because of where i was standing was pretty impressive.

im starting to see again why my sense of humor the way it is aswell, why i find what i find funny and what, i relises what life brings to you now and again and how if you take this world to seriously you will get sucked into somewhere that really you shouldnt be, but if you take a different route make sure things entertain you, not you entertaining them, and youir sorta pretty sorted... and from my point of view the damage is done to what i want it to be, so i think its really time to go.

grrr i crnt seem to get andy out of my mind, i need to figure out what i want, im still not sure about it being so soon after steve, it could be good though, hmmmmmmmm ... please help lol

~ wet sock ~

im totally intrested in the human ways, why we do things the way we do, what we think and why we think it, i love it, i get into it and my brain feeds off it, but ive found stuff that hmm has got me thinking, after reading one of the blogs i do, she was right in what she said, its called recoprocity norm apartly... the discription:

This is a very common social norm which says that if I give something to you or help you in any way, then you are obliged to return the favor.
This norm is so powerful, it allows the initial giver to:
Ask for something in return, rather than having to wait for a voluntary reciprocal act.
Ask for more than was given. You can even exchange a smile for money.

Reciprocity also works at the level of liking. We like people who like us, and dislike those who dislike us. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

its all simple but yet i love it. this man did research on it, he send christmas cards to people he didnt no, most people sent him a card back and even got on to a perminant list of some.

little things count in this world i suppose, people dont relises this at all until it happens to them, you could be having a totally shit day, then someone does something for you out of the blue out of an act of kindness, and your day doesnt seem so bad really? .... apartly some people want something back in return, such as - Hari Krishna people have used this by giving passers-by a small plastic flower and then asking for a donation in return. but i reckon a thank you is something in return, it shows the apreciation, and ... well it should give the other person the little high that you have recived becuase they no you apreicatate the act that you have been given.

i googled it all and found changing minds.org as the website to get most of the information off, i think ill end up being on it all day long.

Your old friends are the veins that feed you to ither good or bad, i spent about 10 minutes staring into my starbucks cup pondering on the day and what i want things to happen to me in the next year or so... its like a list that you would be lucky to achive 1 here a sneek preview.

*be somewhere better than here
*find a half decent man
*get my money back on top
*get over jamie
*ride
there the four things that i mainly want, i think the 2nd one isnt so important, im always better off on my own, it means i can do anything that desire to, not that i couldnt anyway, but its sort of a set free feeling, you can then up and leave like im pretty well known for, without having to answer to someone.

ive looked about in miami for places to ride, and like i thought there is quite a few that will be in range, my wrist still hurts a bit, but a bike is a my life, i keep pushing it off all the time but i no it runs in my blood, without an engine to play with, im pretty bored with the life some people provide.

i think when im there, ill get another animal, a dog is a mans best friend, and i want it again. it wont replace benson, but he will have to try and do his job, its just the type that i want that im not sure on, i want another big dog, there cool, and they are dopey. and i think he can be my side kick again. weight loss program is still on track, i think its going to be the fast stuff again, the drop down in a month or so, its not health but it works well!

the tattoo will be book after london aswell, im excited, hmm more like eager 4 more, i went to the shop today and the smell drew me in, i need another 1. need is a strong word used correcty today. bansky you av gud art work.

~ keep it real old man ~

the most sexy voice man in the whole world has got solo stuff! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH its fuckin ACE. he has the rusty voice the sexy rough voice that always draws me in, fuck its good and fuck me, just yeah i love it. Dustin Kensrue, you are a god. its my kind of music at the moment aswell, easy going shit, but its easy going shit that you listen to and think hmmm.... ive been taken in again by his voice he was ace in thrice and i still love there stuff but now mmmm just mmmm MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! look at him.just look! ....

MMMMMMM!!!

ive woke up a bit more aswell, ive sorta got my prioritys back aswell,i understand out what i want a bloke again, i want the type that are hard to find but the one that are worth it. The ones that understand your talk, the ones that you can sit with lookin at the sea and talk about anything you wanted, the caring but yet, manly dudes, the ones that make you feel safe, the ones that if anything happen they could give as good as they get, i think thats more like my own security for that one, but thats a mans job, there supposed to defend, and i want a good man.i want the ones that have the totally daft personalitys, the ones where like myself will do fucked up things for a laugh, anything that makes me laugh ill do, just a sensible but yet, funny as fuck guy. i had one, i had one that made my heart jump at everything, when he gave me a hug it was a feeling i have never felt before. he was the dude that when he was with you didnt look at other girls, you didnt have to worry if the woman beside you looked better than you, you could sit there in a boiler suit and he would love you there and then more than anything around him.

it is the little things in everything that count up, the stupid things he would say that make you feel fuckin fantastic! he was a man, not a faker, the hard ones to find, and now he is gone and i still love him so much, jamie i miss you.

my blogger hasnt blogged... why!! i have to say i am addicted to what they write, its all logic and sense, the shit about how things matter what doesnt, the none negative stuff, hmmm where have you gone dear jason blogger man ... please write some more ..... its good : (

this is guna break me clean in two for saying this, im stooping to the lowest level i think i could and have ever done, actully in anything i have done, i didnt wanna write this that much, it was a head thought more than anything not something to share. but oh well, im gonna say it . . .

the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. maybe im right and maybe i need him, but maybe i dont?. . . i miss steve alot, we have spoke for a few year and now things that were suposed to be on friends terms have gone to, yes no, ok words... i dont see why, if the answer to the questions i asked was just you havent done anything i really dont belive him. if its not MY fault, then why do i get talk like a 12 year old would produce?. i feel like the 18 year of me is sort of being held against me, im 18, not 6, it feels like the repeat of paul in a way. everything i thought was, wasnt. i thought he was the man to understand, care, love and just i dont no be what he always was thought of, he was ace, then it turned into something that i didnt actully think he was, you doubt yourself and just accept it, im not sad enough to dewl in things anymore, im heart broken and i wont push that away, but from what i ' thought' we had, has no effect on him, its as though yeah were through with, bu bi, next please. its not me thats doing his side in it, so i wont judge from that respect. i love him, i love him soo much and im not putting that off either, but i see things alooot clearer than i did a few weeks ago. im still in over my head, but ill be out of it, im a fast recovery person, i think i can thank him for the ending he helped me get over him in the run up. i just hope he can actully come out of the 12 year old talk stage to me, and be normal, we had a laugh so there is no reason why we cant anymore, if i dont want anything out of it anymore. i feel like im older in all this, and i supose when your older you might understand.

im gonna do it on a whim. i think im just gunna follow the line ive been given to walk down this time, to be honest with everyone, this life isnt something that entertains me, thats scary shit but its true, how boring and pathetic is everything around us at times. we cant enjoy what we have in the world because of the politics and shit going on, our own country is going down the pan, well a big well that will also be taxed for how many flys decide to park there asses on it. things are getting crazy people are getting to greedy and the worlds just a mess, man kind will kill himself off, there to thick to relises at the moment that the world WILL heat up and cool down, please could they look at simple things like the lake district, i love the place, infact i might go there sometime soon, but that was all ice at one time, yet it all melted , britain was a desert, it was situated in the southern desert belt, so now we are a wet country with land ect... does this not show you something at all? the earth is a living thing it produces its own gases ect aswell as our own, but i do agree that we do contribute to what is happening on the earth but i dont think we are to blame with what is actully happening... we could help it to speed up some what but erm yeah its GOING TO HAPPEN ANYWAY YOU FREAKS.

everyone on the streets of this country are morons, there either a charva, a one minded businesses prat that doesnt no how to actully get there hands dirty, or there is the small minority of the simple minded people that understand the world everything going on it ect i really wish these simple minded people would bread alot, overcoming the population of morons and maybe we could have a turn around?

i want to fuck off to some place, any place really that isnt bad, but i class america is, hmmm i still fancy south africa at the moment even though i no there is shit there too. i think i might do country hops, i want to see the culture of the world, and i want to see how different parts of the breaking up islands is living. and ... i will.