~ grate the frog ~

i need to stop looking back at steves blog, why you ask? because i dont agree with anything he says. maybe he does look into politics to much and maybe he is just narrow minded. the latest major story to hit our screens and the papers is the little girl going missing. but his point is ... she was left alone while her parents went away for a drink, and if it wasnt for them being middle class then the social would have been straight round telling them they were bad parents. BUT are you a PARENT? no your not. could you please tell me what you are doing when you go down stairs after putting a child down to sleep in there room up stairs? ... your leaving them on there own. its a normal parent thing and they were cheaking on there children often. do you think they would spend the time and money on bringing the kids with them on holiday, if they were that shit they would have left them on the streets. the fact of not wanting anyone else to look after the children was obvious, and if you have ever looked after a child for a long time you will relises they have a routine that they get in, and once there down by a certain time, there out like a light. cheaking on them every half hour is the same as you do in the house, it save the pressure of wondering who the hell is looking after your child and you no your child routine will kick in like usual. there is no denying the fact though, they shouldnt really have been on there own, but take into account what you do with your children on a night time, you will leave them asleep upstairs as you have a drink in your garden, or your next door neighbours garden and you cheak on them all the time ... 100 yards away?

~ click ~

on a bored off sper moment i decided to take a look back at my ex's blog to just see how it was going, just curiosity really, nothings changed, its still all bitter hatered about everything he can moan about, but i have to say, i moan, i moan ALOT but i seem to always get a let of valve that seems to make my day. im happy im out of what we had, even though it was good, i couldnt sit with someone that seemed depressed for the rest of my life, i need laughter and more than just a drinking session at the pub to make my night and a good debate to make my lifestyle at least bareable.
he seems to have dicovered cars, but i bet he still doesnt no how they work or how to actully drive them in the correct way, not just the way you get taught when your doing your driving lessons, it can take years to get a skill and i dont think he will be the one who could handle a 4 litre over 100mph to even start with, it was my child hood, racing and driving as much as i could, and to be honest it still is. so instead im just sitting with a grin on my face. its like a school kid thats just discovered what everyone else is going on about and now wants a bit of the action to fit in. top gear has nice cars, they always have done and the presenter know how to drive them, but come on, do you no anything more about a car than what they say on top gear and there review on the internet? ... noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopes : ) these people wouldnt no what to do with a good car and a track, they would put ther foot down with a look on there face as though there cool as fuck but would rap it and die, and id laugh watching. dream young fuckers you will never be a real petrol head.

i feel like i have changed in what i have wrote in my blogs, maybe i havent but to myself it feels like ive sort of had a turn around, things seem to look up now, and down bits seem to always have an upwards direction to them instead of just looking into a darker pit that i was headed towards. but looking back at his seems like nothing has changed, yet i seem to yawn, its like having a conversation with my grandad reading it. maybe its because he is deeply intrested in politics, and i find living my life as it is more intresting? .... everyones different right.
i didnt think it would take 3 weeks to get over someone, it shocked myself and my friends, but im happy its all it took, im respecting what i have just come across and how laugher is something important and how wooooooooooor rodlet is something far more than speical than ive ever had.

things were good ... but now there really good. i think for everyone.

~ ambre solaire ~

im to full, im to happy and im to tired, all rolled into one makes me feel like my bodys in over drive well im sort of stuck in reverse, its like its jerking forward in a crazy fashion to say stop go to sleep please dear, but no, i think ill go see roddy then come back tuck myself up in my bed and watch something good. after years of hating this place i seem to have stubbled across something to good hidden away, well infact it was right infront of my eyes but i didnt open my mouth i just left it shut and carried on with what i was doing, after hating working at the pub at times, ive relised its given me something mind blowing, everything good is always right under your nose right? ... seems like its correct at this time.
he is a big eyed tanned built nicely bloke and i cant seem to stop talking about him, i liked him ever since i started the pub but everything was wrong, he was a customer, i was in a relationship and fuck knows if he liked me, so all round it was best to keep my moist lips zipped with a padlock, but a birthday of a mate just relised everything, and now i feel something ive never felt before, ive got a man soft on the inside with a heart, but on the outside the bloke every woman wants, the bloke that well makes you feel safe, the one where you no if anything goes wrong or your coming home stupid hours in the morning the man your hands attatched to will keep you safe. baa i cant stop day dreaming about men, there just well .... scrummy.
but my matcho inteligent but yet funny and smart man that can fix anything lives down the road, infact its a 5 minute walk. how didnt i no he was there all along? fate brings you into strange cercimstances and i think im happy where i am. the grass now on a shit day still smells fantastic, the birds seem to make me smile when there bobbing along collecting things to take back to there familys and a shit day of work ends up just seeming like a bit of an off day, my works picked up to a crazy standard which im even suprised at what i am doing and i cant seem to take the grin off my face. but anyway getting back to normal things ....
ive got a strange obsession with the old pac man games, not just the old console games the real classic machines you used to play on in the arcades when you where younger, the ones you would spend your pennys on for the rest of the day and make sure you got the usage out of it. i remember getting really far on a level and wanting to beat it, but i never did... so my next goal is to do it, i no that to find an old pac man machine that is in good nick and still works is going to cost a gold mine, but i think its time to work on my farther, my 19th birthday is fast approching so i think so should a pac man machine, my exuse for it will be ill keep it until im old, ill use it to the best of its ablitys and ... its a classic, whats better than that... emagin a talk in the pub, yeah ive just got a new shelving unit for the house its nice, yeah i no what you mean, ive just got a PAC MAN ARCADE MACHINE, its nice. id let people look at it, but not let them beat my top scores, i need to keep my confidence at a high. the oly problem i am thinking of is my sources, i have a top source to get it from, my best mates uncle is a traveller and has an arcade, well he has a few so im sure he has some contacts, i love knowing people.

ive got another gig coming up this week, and im more than nervous for it, ive had the point where ive played infront of my friends and that was one of the worst things possible, getting comments from your mates about something you have a bit of a passion about is the worst you dont no what to expect, but i was chuffed with my outcome. but im doing quite a few cover songs and quite a few of my own, so this times its gunna be a big gig, so its nothing i can just walk away from, but ok, ill do it. im exicted but hmmm rather scared! but when have i turned something down? ... ne yo so sick accoustic will be one of the best im thinking.

final destination 3's on so i think ill end up watching that for the rest of the night and go and see roddy maybe tomorow.

hmmm this can be an update on the situation ... his fones off that says everything really there is no more words need to be said to make it obvious, AHHHHHHHHHHHH i wanna scream so much! as you think you get something decent, something has to come in and fuck it up big style and yeh its come from my direction i wanna rewind time, i wanna just stop it, i dont no how many times i said sorry to him about it, but i hope he remembers, he is suposed to be coming to get me in 45 mins, looks like ive got more chance having a date with my bed and a cuppa watching some shitty telly, grr i cant belive it, ive fucked it up once again!!!! and this time it was with someone that i reallly reallly liked, and now .... welll.. i dont think ill hear anything back, infact i no i wont hear anything back off him, grrr why do i have to like him so much, its always when you like someone alot that it happens, it just well hmmmm seems to happen. AHHHH i need to get out to clear my smoked out head.

~ what you waiting for ~

ahhh i think ive messed the best thing that has seemed to happen to me up last night, and i always do fuck things up in the best way. it was down to dum dum dummm ... andy! ... have you ever had someone ring you constantly over and over again, for over 2 hours? .. if you have had this experience then you will now quite simply that its not nice, and when the bloke that your starting to thinks amazin is sitting beside you, you feel totally and utterly shite. he said it didnt bother him last night, but you could tell by the look on his face that it did, and it must of alot, as now and again there was questions thrown in about him, the questions that you think of for a while until you can find the bottle to say them, but once asked its obvious that its on your mind, but i tried to tell him, and explain to him that i didnt want anything from him and well ... he told me he would text me when he woke up, but ive still had nothing and its 2 hours from when he said he would get up... were suposed to be goin to a mates bbq later, well pretty soon and ive still heard nothing, i really think ive fucked something that was to good up, AHHHH i wanna scream i actully wanna go up there now and tell him again that im sorry, and that ive blocked his number. fuckin hell i feel so shit for it, i spoke to him last night about it all but he was wreaked, and im not sure if he will remember any of it, which i am hoping he will. ive fucked it i no i have.