~ stand ~

i am going to write into time team and ask where the farmer gets in jumpers from, he has had speical jumpers since i can remember and there getting jazzier and jazzier, he must get them for christmas, but i wish someone would get him a new pair of glasses as his are a bit yellowish, it must be from the dirt of all the usless shit he digs up which used to be the local tip, they never actully find something .... something to really go oooooo over, its always a bit of wall from the old toilet blocks that used to be there that they had to knock down because the gay meet ups had taken over.
i think the 'gay' image is getting to be to popular at the moment, or are they all just coming out of the wood work? i really hate them pink shirts and tops that men have decided they think they look nice in, but infact they look like the biggest cocks in the world, there is a the typical gay look, the stone washed anti fit jeans, with the polo shirts from topman or usc and the velcro adiddas shoes, god bless there cotton hair. they need to grow up get some baggy pants and find a woman.

im really thirsty, but i crnt be bothered to go and get a cup, im looking round my rooms for recepitcals to hold water in so i can have a drink from the bathroom, i dont like drinking from the tap, i always have this funny vision of a spider thats been resting in there from a hard days climb and it gushing into my mouth as it looses grip, least if i have something to put the water in, ill see what im drinking.

i felt like a hit and runner tonight, infact i was, and i caused a terrible crime, i purchased a can of coca cola, not diet, just the normal kind, as my brother decided he wanted something to eat we stopped the auto mobel and decided to eat and drink what was purchased at the local pizza shop, but as i took the last swig out of the can and left the can a quater full i decided i wud just chuck it out the window, yes i am a slob and yes i did it becuase if i left it in my brothers car i wouldnt have heard the end of it for week upon weeks, but as i threw the drinking container out of the half down window i didnt relises a dog walker, the can bounced off the dog walker and spilt its content on the woman by the sounds she was making, i didnt no wether to laugh or to make my brother move the car rather sharpish, from out of no where, like herself! ... apeared another woman dog walker, the woman covered in coke raised her voice as she got closers to the other old looking lady and screached out ... MAUUUUUUUUREEEEEN were going some idiots are throwing litter at me and my dogs! ... they hurryed away and i couldnt stop laughing un controlably, why the hell would anyone come to a car park purposly to throw things at old people walking there dogs, well i dont no if maureen thought the same as me or the same as the wet woman, but my god i did actully shout sorry out of the window threw the laughing, wot a stupid woman.... it will wash out, and hopefully so will mouth.

thats twice today something like that has happened to me, as i was coming home from work on the over crowded bus, i feel asleep, .... as you do. as my head was leaning against the window it was tilted upwards, in a perfect snorning place. i fell into a deep sleep then startled myself by a large snort that came from yours truely, i got such a fright that i sat up and looked about, noticing that everyone sitting near me was looking at me, i just wanted to laugh so loud, so as anyone i think would normally do, i took action with my mobile, i just wanted to scream laughing so i called up my mate and told her that i had just snorted like a pig on the bus, she found it equally funny and we had a good laugh but it still didnt solve the way the people kept looking at me, u find it quite entertaining though, maybe next time when i no there all on again i might moo or make sheep noises to give them a vary of farm yard animals.

~ revs ~

ive loosened up on things that i think i shouldnt have, for the things i have gone threw in the short time i have been here tops most things people have done in there whole lives, and on every event... its taught me a great lesson in the good old world and made me wiser in my life, in the two people i am, i feel like i have let my otherside slip into something that has a dark hole and only a small rope for it to grasp onto, ive let it down and not listen to it when its been talking to me, your inner person tells you things that you need to listen to, my gutt feeling is nearly always right, and i keep hitting off, i feel to safe and i need to keep a skin left on me, im not plastic and fake, but my skin has kept me thick and i wont let it drop from me. i have gone to the choice of taking the lower road if i want to, but i shouldnt, i need to keep taking the high road, the road above everyone, the road which is my way, the road people are to scared to take.
im a person that doesnt get scared easy, its like things rise off me and i just dont care, i only get scared for something that i no is serious. i dont no if its got to do with things that i relise along the way? who knows.
the skin really is on its way back i feel wrong for letting it fall off my shoulders, im guna be back from the feeling of sometime runnin on empty, and keep it full. the bullshit talk wont just go over my head anymore, its guna get a go back, like it should do.

i think there is a few things if you look at yourself and back at yourself what you are slightly lacking, things you dont relises until the time is sorta right, or totally not right. people are so complicated, even the ones that appear not to be. some people need to take a step back and relise who they are and what they have, and some need to relise what they dont have.
i think that most of us realise we have alot, we just take it for granted, and i do it myself, i think most people do.

why do people think they need certain things to be happy, i think there things that yeh, you should actully have in your life, but the things should be able to be taken with you to any place and make you feel right, a place doesnt make you feel right, just the things that are there, if the things were taken away the place wouldnt be the place you loved, its the important things that were there ... that you would miss.
when i miss things i feel lonely, i dont no if this is a feeling everyone gets, as im erm, not everyone, simple things cure my 'missingness' simple things like to pick up the phone and hear a voice that you dont even have words to say to, nothing important to say the phonecall was about, just to hear the voice. its not something you can explain to someone, they would think your were slightly stupid, but just the voice gives a comfortness that sometimes you just want for a bit, but im to scared to make them.

everything that has been said to the whole world by people in suits and ties is the truth that has been twisted up, we no its all a big lie but i dont think people care, its entertaining in a way, its something to listen to, and something to keep us all a bit busy, i think everyone has heard about the conspiracies with the 9/11 attack, but i watched a video on google about how they think it wasnt a terrorist attack and tried to show you the ' real ' way it went about.
i belive most of it, for the fact that most of it seems just about right, the way the goverments are with us all, were just little sims to them all that they really dont care about, they have the reasons to do it and think that we dont have a brain to think about how it could have been done if they actully did it the way its ben shown to me, its my own choice to belive what i think happened just as it is everyones, but i really do now think, that mr bush planned it all.
i think were all like lemmings to them, but i suppose like everything were shown by the media no matter if there big or small sources, there will always be a twist in it. i should no that well, but i like to belive somethings are nearly true.

one of my heros seems to be lacking in heroness, im sorry to say. the things that draw someone to be a hero in the eyes you are given are sometimes things that are stupidly intresting. but when they seem to lack in the thing that you admire in them you wonder if heros need a break now and again? i wish they didnt at times as your heros keep you slightly ontop, they give you that little push to give you a bit more insentive in the things that you do. i hope the holiday will be up soon hero.

why is it on certain days things annoy you more than others? you get some days that things that normally dont bother you, then on some days they annoy the fuck out of you and all you want to do is smash it against a wall. i could relate things like this to pmt... but hmmm no its not as extreme, everyone that knows me knows ill take someones head off and cut it up into tiny peices if they say boo to me when i have pmt, but i the days where i feel like things are getting to me in the most irratating way seem to grind on me more than ever. strange but strange.

do somethings make you feel insercure? not major things, just like the odd comment about something that make you a bit funny about yourself? even the most confident people i think have something that make you feel a bit off personed. my most off personed thing is about being fat, its quite a bad thing actully, i hate seeing people like i was ... or thinner than i was. i no ill be back like it, but its something i really dont like about myself. i wish i was one of these people that just didnt like there toes on there body. my self conficence bout it isnt high but i really wish it was.

ive got to complain i think about the price of make up, its an odd thing to say i think.... Benifit make up have gone up in price.... SERIOUSLY i have a problem with it, its rather pricey to start with but its one of the best make up manufactures there is, along side MAC i dont think there is a good enough make up company, i love make up, i dont no why i love it so much, i love it just as much as shampoo, the john freida shampoo is ace, i dunno what it is about hair and make up i like, its odd for a thing like me who likes to get covered in oil and fix bits of metal that makes nice noises to love expensive face paints and hair products i think. but i do, and ... and i dont like the exstortion in price i am going to have to pay, with the money i dont have, i think begging is my last resource for my make up purchases, or stealing with small children and getting them to get my foundation thas going to cost a good 35 quid, i think they should give me discount. what twats aswell as ticket prices going up, now make up. ppffff. john freida you better keep your shampoo at 4.95 a bottle.
BUT infaltion in my hand bag has declind rapidly, its been reduced to 69 spondoolies from a 160. its quite a bit of a drop i say, but what am i going to put in it if the make up isnt affordable : (.

i dont want to work in a mine.

~ 5 ~

nummmber 5 : )

~ 4 ~

nummmber 4 : )

~ 3 ~

nummmber 3 : )

~ 2 ~

numbbbber 2 : )

~ 1 ~

nuuuumber 1 : )

~ bernard ~

how nice is still plain silence, the slience that comforts your ears and your soal from the busy noises from the world, it helps you think, a noise and music influence you in what you write in a blog, where as silence .... silence is the thing that lets your own mind write what it needs to without being influenced by some person singing away in your ears, or the noise of some council estate scummer arguing who should keep the baby named something like chantel charlie star angel, who will have greggs pasties all over there face and down there front, on the telly.

why is there so much rubbish on the television, people are brain washing there children and themselves watching it so much, if your not learning something really remotely intresting, or something that has a slight humour basis why oh why is it on there?
the chat shows that draw the nations heads that really contain actors instead of real life trivia, to the pointless shit that is put on the telly to take up space like eastenders, which i have to say i do watch now and again, but threw sheer boredem, which i no will rott my brain.

it feels like the times when i used to lay on the sofa with my dopy dog and just let my over active mind take over and fill me in on what its been thinking over latley. i miss it, i used to talk to him about things even though i new really, he didnt understand a word i was saying, god bless him, he was great, you would talk to him then relises on where you where going wrong on things, or relises things you hadnt before. he was a mutant for his kind, he was so big he could have been a pony, he did really need a stable. this time though, my over active mind feels a bit tamer, and its just seeing the things it needs to ease upon, it must be the silence, i think its doing it good.

the weird and strange conversations that get brought up at work, developed into people and there jobs, and the stereotypes, everyone is ranked by there job description, if you work in the lower end of the career ladder your inteligence is low, your not worthy to be spoken to by someone say ... at the higher end of the career ladder, but why is this? you actully find that people that work in a day to day normal middle class job have more brains and common sense that the suited and stripped fancy hair people. i think im going to wonder about it for a bit.

i spent about an hour with my remaining nephew, and i now have a broken watch, how come everything you have that is nice to you get wreked by kids, seriously think about it, they love to break things, but not just anything ... there devious, they no what they need to do and they wont stop until there mission is complete! bless his cotton hair the little fucker! he will be purchasing me a nice new one even if he has to porn his own possesions.

why does rain fall in droplets? why not in a big block if gravity is so forceful. how can so much water that is so heavy just stay up there until its ready, i shud fall like a waterfall all in one go, least you wouldnt get the rain that spits, its wud just be WATER ... then sun again. hmmmm i might drop a suggestion into the local tescos.

~ villopoto ~

i wish someone would shoot me in the head, why is this world so shit, and why is plain life so fucked up, everything you do you can pick a fault with, some faults like to push themselves up to the surface like air bubbles in the sea. you wish you could just pop them tho but its seems to me that these ones in my speical little life have a nice hard metal coating, i think i have been searching for a can opener to open them for longer than a few days and im starting to get fustrated with it, im happy i have something that im intrested in to do to try and get my mind off things tho, it seems to help, but not enough, i dont understand how people can say being busy stops you thinking about things, its doesnt, infact, it makes it worse, you just think about it that bit more while your doing it, so what am i going on about?
why do people make exuses? ... can you emagin yourself being in something total safe? something that you no is totally harmless? no matter how much i think i am with things i no im not. to put it totally straight on flat on the table in biiiig red captial lettters, i am insucure about things. but i supose isnt everyone about something, its always a certain topic and normaly becuase of something that has happened it stays with you and no matter what things make you feel like now and again when it feels like the situation could be getting to where it was or remotly similar, but im the type that needs the reasurance, the one that sorta needs that bit ov a pat on the back to say luk yeh dont worry about it, its not what you think, or yeh i understand what you mean.
i think its a certain type of person to be able to compremise, not alot ov people can do it well, or at all, becuase some are to selfish to think about someone else, all the think about is themselves what they get out ov it, then the next person comes after, its not the way life should really be, you need to look out for number 1, but you need to think about what the fuck your doing at the same time, like the things you do, even small stupid things, if someone else did them to you, would you be to chuffed? ... i dont think many people would for somethings. even still its really hard for people to think about what they have done without the big fat self centred heads getting in the way, they dont think about someone else.... they think about themselves, if you thought about every single thing you said and did in 1 day, i dont think you would say half the things you say.

~ stand up ~

whats the deal? ... i thought rock climbing was on rocks not with something else. its annoy me now, im starting to get the really nice feeling of fuzziness. i wanna reverse the clock and leave it, not say anything at all and just leave it as it is, ive now had enough of stuff, i think its that shit ov karma coming back on me, nice one. do you think animals like badgers and dogs have problems to? apart from where there gunna sleep and what there gunna have for there dinner?
i dont no why im like this, but i supose i am, you crnt change a person but a person can change themselves, but i dont mind if you dont change, i am happy with you this way really.

god it is so cold today, i think i might have a layer of frost across my bed, im sure my covers have gone stiff, or maybe its just me, do you ever think your soul and your heart are the same thing? they must be, or they must feel the same things at least, i think they must be neigbours, or at least best friends. i think mine needs to shout up, but it needs a listen.

im in a really big state of wantin to scream as loud as possible, i want to ither scream so loud that my throat falls out, or kick the shit out of something or someone and do it so hard my body falls apart, i want the sigh of relif to come but at the moment its the build up. i just wish the relif was now due, im totally and utterly gone with it, so much its turned things off, things that i dont want to be turned off. if the hot and cold front wasnt put on then the water would just be normal .... but its not and for fuck sake relise that.

how easy is it for the tables to turn on you? quite fast if you do it so right. when you feel pissed off, you sorta relises that, and i think im one of the worst people i no to be pissed off, there is normally something along the line that will get its backlash, i would like to just get absolutly fuck off my face, to the point where everything is all good and i feel like a cloud.

its back to the couldnt careless, and i seriously think im guna cause some damage sooner or later if i stay like this, peoples faces that piss me off look so tempting, i would love to rearrange them into a shape off my choice, i dont think violance should be the way, but fuckin hell it feels good.

~ backspace ~

sometimes i wish i could freeze one moment and keep livin it, i wish you could just pause the emotion and live in it forever, man that would be cool. i feel like im so much older than ma years, and that i have done much more than most people my age, infact i sorta no i have, i remember the talks you used to have where you would talk about the person you wanted to be, i always wanted to do something big and ourtragous, something really cool that people would be like yeeh i wanna do that!, i think i have done it though, im pleased i have but i wanna sorta reach for a new goal, i want to persue something again that is good, not ordinary and unique, but what im not to sure yet, i have an idea, but .... i think i need to work on it a bit more.

i hate the things that play your mind, its the things that are your weaknessess, i think everyone has there main weaknessess, but sometimes there stupid things, things that really shouldnt bother you but... they do. i think a self confidence flag goes up when i think about it proply and past things, i wanna be able to let it go ... but... i just dont no how to. i dont how to say it, or what to do about it, but im doing so much better than i was, some things you just want to talk about, things you want to get off your own chest about things, but you get scared that a reaction you dont want is going to happen, like a bomb off in your face and you just wished you hadnt said anything at all, or the person to take it the wrong way when you ment it in just the way to get it off what you have been feeling, i supose somethings are better off inside.
i think everyone has a question that they always wonder about in there mind about someone that they want to ask, but they dont no how to say it or bring it up and they dont want the other person to feel offended or take it the wrong way.

if i look on ma stuff from what it was this time last year, its so much different, its like im sorta a new person but im not ... im exactly the same ... i just now have a bit more common sense.
but ... i love personal stuff.

~ old things ~

ermm ... yeh. dont expect to much of one thing just take what your given.

~ # ~

i love being in love .... i didnt ever think i would say that.... but its fuckin fantastic!

~ make a mountain out of it ~

Gateshead in Newcastle, is the place where all the inbreads live, every story you here in the local news about attacks and rapes or murders on familys just about all come from Gateshead, i think you will understand if you have ever been there, if not... please dont go and spare your life and your eyes, the people all look like they have been dragged threw a sports shop with there trousers tucked into there socks, and most of them wear jam jar glasses that have a yellowy tinge to them, they mostly have some sort of speach inpediment and a twitch, which i think is realated to the drugs that they take. when i had the plesant experience of having to go there on a regular basis i encountered an experience with a typical Gateshead pesant, as i was on the bus waiting for it to pull away a polite young gentleman banged on the bus window and thuded his way on the bus to tell the bus driver " HEEEEERE MAAAAAAN, IVE LEFT MEEEE METHADONE ON YEEE BUS MAN" i didnt no wether to hide under ma seat or open the fire exit and run as fast as i could. he then got his wonderful methadone and returned to his girlfriend with bright bleach blonde hair who was wearing a nice pink tracksuit with a nice orange tinge to her skin pushing a pram with a pasty baby inside with pierced ears which must have just finished it ciggarette. its a different country all together, its as soon as you cross over the water, as you step back onto Newcastle ground yor safe...ish. they still have there delightfuls but least they have a morsal ov a brain in there heads and they even say please when they ask you for 20p for the bus. But every story i have heard about something serious has been related to the area, like the rapist from durham which was in todays news, the arson attack in sunderland,the farther that has suposidly killed his family, the teenager who stab the 79 year old woman the list goes on!! ... there out all the time, you walk home and you wait for the man walking his dog behind you to pull out a knife and mug you for your pair of gloves. i think its just a busy time to get killing in tyne and wear.


this is what you will find everywhere in gateshead ... please understand why people are scared

~ robert shoeface ~

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust, but what about the more animals that are born? arnt we supposed to be made of mostly water? if so dusnt that mean that for the more people that are born the heavy it should become to? ... i think birth rates should stop and fall, we dont want to be falling out of the solar system but ... i suppose people die aswell?... hmmm my brain hurts.

~ megulars ~

do people think about there future and what there going to be doing in years to come? or how there life is going to be? i think everyone has an idea of what they wanna end up like, but if we end up like how we think we want to, i think we would be bored with the out come, i mean think about it, you have thought about it all your life, you have basicly lived it, when the time actully comes around your going to have already lived it in your mind. im on about the little house on hill as your retirement though, i dont want to be a typical old person, it would scare me if i was i have to be differnt and still how i am today. i want to be old about 97 and a half ish and have a crocodile sanctury and hand feed them everyday and ski to my work where i teach people to handglide, but ill skip home passing peoples houses collecting snakes and non spider scary animals from peoples homes that have made there way in without permission, it will all be in a days work.
well least i have decided on a thing of my future, i dont want to ride anymore, ive said it before but really i was lieing, well i must have been i had a secret voice in my mind telling me i should just go for it and do it... but ... now i have decided whats right and what i need to do, and its all in the past and im glad ive done it, not alot of people have, and im ready for the next thing, but i just have to think about what it is yet, it has to be something fun, i could be a famous newt catcher? i was always good at that and i havent heard of anyone famous by doing it... i could be the first one, i could have my own program like the steve dude... but i might get killed by a swan ... ill go for it, it sounds excitingly dangerous.

ive had roll to me by del amirti in my head for about 6 hours and about 25 mins, im sorry i lied, about 5 hours and 11 mins, i seriously love the song, and even though its repeating itself in my head over and over again im not sick of it, i crnt stop singin it, i seem like a middle aged person that has just had sex for the first time in 19 years when they sing. . .

~ frosties ~

why do we have laws, why do things such as humans decide to rule something that has been here longer than themselves, we try to post laws upon animals and things like a post it note whore on speed. there is things upon people that still live by natures going. so why does a shirt and a suit make you deicide what things are aloud to do, what would we do if aliens came and decided that we should all live in microwaves, as part of there galaxy laws and we didnt have a choice? i think that must be what its like for the rest ov the worlds animals.

~ it should be powerful ~

i totally agree with you dont no what you have until its gone, and for somethings people need to relises what they actully have in there lives, they need to open there eyes and relises somethings dont come along so easily and lightly. for some people they just expect everything, they dont think about things rashionaly. it annoys me to the point where you want to tell people that you need to just now and again relises in your life what and who you have and what they do or what it does for you. emagin your life without it? ... then think about it now.

~ size and shape to suit you best ~

after looking on google for something far from realted, i found a pro ana site, i wondered what it was, so i had a click and relised that there is sights for eating disorders, why?, it looks like most of the people that are on it are all woman/ girls. yeh you can understand why they do it, but then i click to pictures, i dont think i have seen anything like it in my life, how thin can a person actully get? i dont think people look that ' pretty ' in my own opinion when there thin, normal is ok but thin just isnt pretty. these people have pictures of people where they look like they havnt been fed in about a month, they proberly havnt come to think of it, then they swap tips on how to fool there familys into thinking there eating! ... what?!. there is full communites of people swapping tips and ' thinspiration' pictures where they find the thinest person and admire them and set them as a possible target to achive.
i think you can partly blame society for the way things like that are, the way people are pressured to be ' perfect sized ' men pressure woman alot by what they want and look at to be sexy to them, which woman want to be, but this is something totally mad! they have a set diet, fasting and what pills to take and not to take, there all in a full swing of starving themselves to death. i carnt really 100% say i dont understand what there on about, where for my self i do and fully admit i have a bit of a problem with food, but i have my own reasons, and i dont have a website telling people how to eat or why to eat like that, there is even a part where its telling people to hate themselves :

I am beginning to bind myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone.

seriously WHAT THE FUCK. there isnt just 1, there is millions upon millions of sites all saying the same thing by the looks of it.why do they have things like that?!?!?!?!
this world is a scary place i tell thee. a womans world of how we look is a total dog eat dog world, men arnt so bad, infact i dont think they have half the problem that woman do. the way to be for most men is to be, thin, not fat, and pretty. if you have that no matter what your personality is like, your in there and you can have ANY man you want, its a known fact.
this has to be a start off point to why some people are on these mad and weird websites, and the demand in the celeb pressure.

there is a demand in most things for woman is quite big, woman want to be thin, have biggish boobs be pretty and have the legs and body that is in high demand, for this its not for themselves its for other people, giving them the self confidence in return. people pay thousands of pounds for face lifts, breast implants and looooads more. i dont think it should really happen. iv bin up and down in the way i am, and to be really honest, i am happy being fatter than thinner, but its my personal prefrence, i feel more comfortable in myself, but only i think if you have been up and down in the scale that i think you understand.

~ smoking kills ~

how many coca colas would you have to have before your wee turned brown with bubbles? our kidneys arnt really that strong are they that they would fileter out the caramel from the cola before it leaves our bodys, i might give it a try and see what happens.
i was thinking before what would i do if i found out if it was my last day? ... i think i would go to metroland and play on the train that circulates the ' fairground' its only small, but it looks good fun and ive always wondered wether i should pluck up the courage to grab a mate and just get on it, but with it being my last day it doesnt really matter if i look stupid does it?. id also like to ride on the back of a whale like they do at sea world, that looks really fun, you can look as stupid as you want, but what does it matter!? ... i want to run down the platform of boring people at the train station and make stupid noises like we used to when we were little, and do the esculater pose. there is alot of things i would want to do, so i think i would have to have a few days notice before my last day to fit all the worthless things i would want to do in.

how negitive am i ? really to be honest most of my blogs i rekon are about moaning on, for gods sake i need to stop, im the old person at the bottom of the street that shouts at kids for there balls going in my garden, i just need my stick, the head scalf is already sorted. ill tell her to move out im coming to replace her.

~ open window ~

The weirdo crazy lady spoke to me again tonight, she has weird hands, they make me stair at them constantly, its like im a child looking at a a man covered in tattoos and pericings, i just carnt stop stairing. the usual thing ran threw my mind of what to expect, you dont no wether its a set up from mr beedle himself, you dont no what to really make it of it everytime you go to these places. i dont exspect anything to come of it at all when ever i go, but he came back threw tonight, its like he is a common conecter and ive been told it from a few people, belive what you want to belive you always get told and i would tell anyone the same, you know when someone is genuine though, you no by the information that you recive.
he was there for about 10 minutes, its much longer than last time and it shocked me how much he new, he was around for when i was in hospital and i new he was!, he knows more than i no myself and has now told me something that i really sorta needed to no before i do anything else.
but i dont want to publicis everything on it.

~ purchased ~

ive relised finally that not everything needs to be so together to feel right, you dont need that constant thing to relises that you have something right and real, its like strawberrys and cream, infact no i dont think strawberrys and cream go together that well, its like wotsits and ice cream, that sounds better they go together really well. i dont no why today of all days its click more than ever, could it be that its high tide and the moon and the sun are using its forces? i think not, but it might of helped. as i no myself without the help of someone else to relises, im a quite a senstive person under everything i do, and i think about things which dont even need to be thought about in that way. people around me influence me in what i think, they make me ither relises something or think about something, in the actions they do and what they say. im my own person but i think thats why i am more of my own person. for seeing other peoples problems i relises what i have myself, and what them other people dont have, likewise the can more than likely say the same thing about me, but for what i have they will never have.
a simple saying or reaction makes you relises that, someone close to you effects you in all ways possible, the things i do related to them i have now switched off to, and its just normal to me, i dont relised that most of what i talk about has something to do with the person that seems to just stick in my mind, i like to just be able to say, oh yeh we did this the other day, or yeh we were talking about that ... Simple things when you review them in our simple yet complicated minds can amount to so much, not to everyone but to me the thinker and the owner of my mind it means quite abit. but back to what i relised, words dont need to be really said to no that the feeling or the thing is still there, nothing has to be, the simple few things make you relises that it is, when i think about it, it makes me no that i have something real and something that not many other people have, i have an amazing partner that makes me feel things that are undescribable to anyone, its the feeling where you relises that the world, isnt actully as bad as it seems when you look at it. you see people that argue every single day or every other day, people that dont apreciate the time they actully have together, they dont care and i dont think they relises what they have infront of them. i dont no if these people are people that just have someone there to just have a ' fixture ' in there lives. when i think of my own relationship i appreicate every single second i am with the person i love, we dont argue (touch wood) and we dont bite at each other for the simple and stupid things in life, its things like that that i no i have something right, something that people look to have in there lives, and i have it, i have the bloke that people would die for, the one that makes me feel fantasic and safe when he puts his arm around me and its great, i now no that you dont need to have the reasurance of i love you, all the time, when you no no matter what mood you are both in that the other person loves you just as much as the other, for that it makes me feel great, but its not something sadly i relised as much, i think about him constantly, if its not if he is ok its just randomly, when i wake up in the morning he is there somewhere in the first thoughts till the last ones when i go to sleep. i feel like i have been selfish in a way over it, but now i no that words dont always need to be said.

~ arm rest ~

why at half past 8 on a sunday morning, do they have to dig up part of the road outside my house?. is it some kind of joke where they injoy the satisfaction of everyones head pearing out of the window to see what the fuck is making the noise, i thought you wernt aloud to do stuff like that on a sunday, isnt it suposed to be a day of rest?, i think i might run out and ask them to stop for an hour or to while i get some more sleep, i dont think it would work but they might be dazed by the monkeys on my pajamas for a while.

i miss my riding now, i miss it alot, i miss the people, there is different kind of people that do it, the people are mad, no there insain kind of people that just dont give a fuck for anything, and is a good way to look on life when you think about how shit it actully is. its just made me think about it when i turned on the telly to drown out the noise of the road work morons, and travis was on the telly with the double back flip, i could have done that, infact if i looked after myself in the beginging i would have been able to do it and maybe be onto something else, to break something like that in the fmx world is ace, but i no what stuff it does to you, by the time i was 30 i would ither have pins in myself to keep my body together or 6 feet underground, not something i really want to look forward to, i supose its something i can just say, yeh i did that once, and move onto the next thing. it makes my wrist hurt and my ribs thinking about it, or maybe i slept on my wrist last night? i think i did, its looking pretty swollen.

the thought that how now left my head on the hopefully one way system to my messed up mind has been replaced, its something i think i need to speak about though, i think that is the only way im going to be able to solve the way i am feeling and the thought i have about it.
but if i do, i think im going to get the, for god sake look,the look to shut up and just leave it, and the it will be fine spoke my way. but really it will be fine doesnt solve anything at all infact it makes things worse,things are left in the learch and... the insicuritys of my mind seep in.

if you think about something in your life in one way, its a really good thing, then if you think about it in another way you get a feeling of shit, what do i do next? or the feeling of it could go wrong. these feelings things again have really taken over me, i hate it sometimes, it makes me feel things that i really havnt felt before, but im working on the turn of switch you can sometimes use for bits of things. things where you no its just gunna over load you or make you feel something that there isnt something there to feed the feeling.

i no that now, i have finally after years got over jamie. its sounds totally stupid, but its taken so long, its like there is no one there to just sit and talk to about it, you no when sometimes you just feel like you want to talk, and you just want someone there to listen to what ever your going to say and respect it, i think it can help when you do that, but i dont like saything thing to people becuase i dont want to bore them or take up there time when they could be doing anything else, i think maybe thats why it could have taken so long to over come, he was such a massive part of my life, but when someone like that gets taken away its hard its one of the hardest thing i have over come. but i no myself and so does a few people that he is still about, or he still thinks about us. he has even said it himself, and i like how he approves of what i do. you dont no these things i think until someone close to you passes away and they want to let you no something, he has been threw someone before and i hope in a few days he will be there again. but yeh J was a top dude, and i feel like i dont blame myself for what happened anymore, i feel like its all over and im just left with a nice feeling when i think about him, not guilt or the feeling of wanting to cry.

the road works are still going on .... why is there only two men though? i think there stealing bits of road to make there own. how dare they take mine.

hmmmm ive just relised what i have done for myself, after a unusual conversation with my mother, that never happens, were not close and i dont say anything personal or anything that is on my mind to her. but for some reason she got onto the subject of health, she nos i dont like going to hopsitals or places like that, but ive never head my mother give her opinion on things that have happened to me, there has been 3 things in my life that have nearly killed me off, 3 things and i havnt even hit half way threw my life, i feel lik a cat, and i hope there is only 1 more thing that will try and kill me off .... old age. she told me how she felt on the times and what went threw her mind, she knows i am strong willed on certain things and for some of them things i made it akward and hard for certain people, i feel bad for doing it but thats how i am, i hate people making a fuss over me and i hate hospitals with a combination like that i think they dont really tie well if there is something wrong. she didnt no how i felt really about it all, i dont think anyone really does they have an idea, but they dont no. but for some reason we sat and talked about it, i told her how it made me feel and what i thought about everything, we both shocked each other,and again thats one reason why i would love to look inside peoples head on what they think. i didnt realise things but now i do, and infact i liked to talk about it, i like to just sit and have a conversation like that, you get to no the other person that bit more, things that other people dont no about them and something that some people wont really talk about, and at the end ov it i felt a bit privaliged to no what i no now.

~ strips ~

how do films make you sometimes have the false sense of hope that what happens in there untrue fairytales might happen in the reality of the real world, why do they make things that make some people belive that the false sense of hope is real. could you emagine what the world would be like if our favourite films became our lives, you would have shreak who lived in his swamp next door, then on the other side there would be freddy crooger, the world actully wouldnt be as far off as i thought....

i had work again with a producer again, its good fun and a laugh, i enjoy it, i actully feel like i can do the job right, i dont have a doubt or a feel of uneasy and i quite like telling people what to do and doing things the way i want to do it aswell as doing the job i enjoy the most. i think for finding a career that i want to do, that i am focus upon doing apart from riding must be media, its not really boring and its a hands on thing again, which is something that is a must for my short attention span to boring day to day work. but for the first time, i had to film a disabled group, i have a few doubts about it, which i now regret having, and i dont think i have felt such a rewarding thing in a while, i no there was more than just me that walk out at the end of the day and felt like we had made a difference into at least on of there lives, we wernt there to film with them, but they took an intrest in what we did, and to even just explaining to one of them lit up there face. the thing that didnt actully suprise me was, they are better to work with that kids the same age without a disability. but i no i want to do media as a job i feel right doing it.

i think i have wrote the best song i have ever written over the past few days, it feels good actully, i love it all, and i like how when i think about it all, i did it, i made it myself, its my own work and it feels good. i never thought this music thing was for me, but i think with a little bit of a push you enjoy it more, i like th e small amount of self confidence it produces, but its not the main stuff that gives me the good feelings, its the fact that my stuff is good enough and people thing im good enough to do things, its good for something like that its differnt from having a talent on how to ride something and its something i didnt really thought i could do, infact i didnt no i cud do it at all, its not something thats is a conversation talker, i dont want it mentioned to anyone, infact i like keepin it just quite, that way people that no me, wont here my songs. which is good.

~ view ~

its intresting how people cope with there day to day life and comments that are thrown in among the way, the way people structure there lives amaze me, how people are lazy or how people are to orginized, the way that a pair of socks on the floor can annoy someone, or like myself a picture frame thats out of place.
the actions of someone you talk to say so much about what the person is thinking, the way the defend themselves when they are talking, or the way they are truley into what you say, its true that actions speak louder than words, they give out the true meaning and feeling of someone.

in a conversation with someone today, they decided to throw the odd comment in about someone that was actully a friend of mine, to there horror i decided to just tell them, the look upon there face was a picture, not as in a way of being mean or tryin to sound bitchy, but just the look as i kept calm and ask them politly to stop, its not something i would really do often, but on this occasion i did, but to my own horror they kept on dropping slight things into the conversation, iv never been one to like anyone downgrade or make remarks about a friend that are worth sticking up for, its not about having a row, its about showing how much of a friend you really are, you would like them to do the same for you right?... you wouldnt want someone to have sat there and slagged you off and for your friend to have sat there and taken it and not commented on how unappropriate it was, and how they would have liked them to stop, but really just let them carry on. its something that annoys me intenstly, it actully pisses me off to a state were if its serious enough i will comment to that person in a sly way the next time i see them. but as for the friend, ... what a nice mate you are, it shows how much you care and how much you would stop something. it shows yourself that really to look out for number one and the ones that you think care, actully dont, so you can give the i dont give a fuck to everyone now, seeing as the slyest comments that are made to someone about yourself wernt even rebeled against, or even had a word to try and end the comment. you get to no people, you see how pathetic and how they carnt actully stand up for anything incase there could be a slight face remark in the raise of an eye brow, god forbid if a eye brow was raised. its not in the need for a rigmaral, just the words of, you have gone to far, or maybe even, na move on. but.... its to hard they just let them carry on, and let there friend see how much of a good mate they actully are, but it made me stop and think, how true i can be to my mates, and why i would tell someone to stop.

ive always found something intreaging about old tramps, the ones with the trolleys, the suitcases, the emotional baggage that you see trailing behind them with there sleepy black bagged eyes. it makes me want to no why they are there, what made them end up on the streets and all the other thoughts that could possibly cross your mind. tramps always seem to have 1 item of clothing that you no they wear all the time, wether it be a certain jacket a pair of shoes or a scarf, in this case its a pair of shoes, a tramp that trails round newcastle with a supermarket trolley and her suitcase inside ( least she has the right idea ), has a pair of brown cowboy boots that have seemed to get to small for her over the years, now and again she will sit in a door way with her shoes off and show her rancid and stomach churning feet, her toenails are black and her feet look like they have trailed threw bins for the majority of there life, which quite possibly they have. but why does she wear these boots, i no, becuase thats all she has right? ... wrong. they get given things from charity shops and you crnt tell me that they wont have a pair of shoes in her size? so why does she keep them on? i would love to ask her, but no way, its not my place and i think i would die going near her im sorry to say, but what is it with all of these items that are kept for so long? is it part of something that happened before they lived on the streets?

~doorway~

if we zoom out on the earth from space, us as humans wont be visable, not even like an ant walking around, instead we are invisable, and the oceans and the dirt are what are shown, they were there before us and are still there, but have we ever really cared for what is here? have we ever cared for the animals that have big googily eyes that bulge and look rancid, all the animals that arnt cute and cuddly?, dus man kind expect to run this planet till the end of time, if so why doesnt it deicide to do what it can to make the healing of things that have been effected in things that have distroyed parts of our planet? why spend our money coupons on more things to blow the planet up if we plan to live here for a long time? recovery is a must in anything and is needed in everything that happens in this world that seems to get smaller every other day, if we dont give recovery options what will be left of us?

ive given up smoking, not completely ... well not just yet, i do enjoy smoking, but knowing that every little white stick or in the case of super king size the large white sticks are 5 minutes rufly off your life, that 5 minutes could be spend playing monopoly, or even pondering over which brand of cereal to buy, its not good for me, and i can feel it in my body, i feel like my lungs have reduced in size, they must be the size of a packet off cigarettes themselves now, i will become a social smoker, and as for the large collection of lighters i have managed to somehow collect over time, i may just start to collect fireworks instead.

~ lamps ~

Have you noticed, the strongest memorys are of things at the time that seem quite pointless? or things at the time you wouldnt even recall wanting to remember, well thats what its like for me, i dont no about other people. for some reason as i drank my coffee today and look out the window at the moronic idiots passing my house to go to work, i remembered the first ever time i went fishing with my dad, he was showing me how to set up my rod and how to put the worms on the hook without dropping them as they wiggled around, the look on my dads face stood out the most, it was the look of being proud, just the farther face. i dont no what reason made that thought cross my mind, but it was one that had got lost in the filing cabnet of memories, as though it had been brought foward just to refresh that it was there, i love the memorys of when i was little, i love the ones where me and my dad are doing things together, he showed me loooads when i was little and still now i know how to do what he taught me to this day, from the biggest thing in my life riding, to fishing, to how find the best way to draw trees, and learning my times tables to the things he has taught me now, how to fix things, how to plaster, how to basicly build back up a wall, fit lights ect, if it wasnt for my dad i wouldnt no or enjoy the things i do now, its things i take for granted, and at the time of some things you think i crnt be bothered or can i not do it later. he is full of knowlege, he knows basicly everything, you name it he will no something about it and i love it, come to think of it ... i take my farther for granted, he is the best dad in the world, he is great, he does things for me other dads would just tell there kids no way, or hey would tell them to just get out of the way, everything i have done with my dad i remember him with the biggest smile on his face and the pacients of a saint, i no he is proud of me, but i would love my dad to see that i am proud to have him as my dad.

has the thought ever crossed your mind what people have done for you, no one else but you, a decision they have made themselves about you mainly to benifit you?. or have you ever given somethings up for someone or done something major for someone, i think when we do things major for other people they dont relises what you have actully done for them . . . . . .

~ choice ~

is it just me or is most music the same, most lyrics are about the same thing, there mostly directed about love... why do people have to talk about the same thing?... arnt we suposed to try and be differnt from each other? its an easy subject to write and think about, probly because were all human, well i hope we all are, and our strongest most obsesive feeling and thought is about love. its mosts peoples target to be in love and be happy with someone... but yeh i get that, but why does most things have to be based on it? do people not just get sick of hearing the same old things, the same old words in a song that you no are coming.

i think that thought that has been going round my head is finally fading away, its about time, its like hitting your head against a brick wall when i think about it, its a downwards spirlel feelings like you have to sort of back off and relises things, but you dont, its your own concious and how it thinks. it must be peoples levels of paranoia, mine can be high at times but so can everyones on certain topics, at times you i wish i was one of these people that have the ' perfect ' life, no problems perfect things and a great job, but come on a jobs a joke, i understand people need money but do you not think people are starting to mix up what you actully need out of life with greed? ... a job gets in the pennys, the more pennys the better things you can buy, we all understand that, and we all understand the fact that you need a job threwout your life to maintain the pennys flow... but people are starting to put jobs infront ov there intire lives, infront of things that dont actully need money to be there. i hate the business type people that really only think of there job, in the start of a converstion to some one they state what there job is, or they like to boast, yeh everyone wants a job that they enjoy, but come on, we are made to have jobs, we were born on this planet with the job centre on the corner?... i think not. wake up you sad sheep relises that not everything evolves around sad little jobs, why worry about a job, why even care what people in that job think of you, there are millions of them just to bring in the coupons to exchange for good, in this sad competitive world people need more, and more, and more. i feel like asking the money robbing goverment to just pay people for a few weeks, and give them all time off, and make them actully relises there is more to there short lives than sitting at a peice of wood dressed like a twat.

i have seen a tattoo than i am totally drawn to, i dont no why i like it so much, infact i think its in a stupid place, but i love it, J.D fortune from INXS has wings on his arms, but i think there fantastic, not a peice that i would have myself but there in a really original place and are just ace.