~kool ~

As i lay in my favourite place in the world by bed, well one of my favourite places, i drifted to sleep i felt was rather quick, for the past nights i have ither taken a good week to fall into a state of unconciusness, but last night for some strange reason my heavy head hit the pillow and the lights where turned out in a flash, only to be woken up by someone shouting my name? or was it my emagination, after i got up and rubbed the sand dunes out of my eyes i relised it must have just been someone in my dream calling for me.
but .. to my dispear, it happened again! ... this time i had a feeling that someone was certainly calling for me, but once again, everyone was alseep. so back off to sleep i fell. only to be later on woken up to the sound of my alarm and have the tired and sick feeling creep in as i woke up. as i stumbled into the shower my dream flooded back into my mind, it was one of the walking down the same old street dreams only like everytime the information was different. ive got over the inital shock of these dreams as i no its the only way that he can comunicate, but as ever the information was exact and i will just have to wait and see if details will run like usual. i dont no if the calling of my name has anything to do with my dream? but everytime i think its a dream i get something to make me rethink again.

have you eve thought? the sun is famous. i bet not many people have. how many films have you seen the sun in? and photos? i think alot, he is in everything! but i dont think he can take a sicky for his fame, you couldnt stand in johnny depp for the day could you. i dont think he would fit the role with the shades on very well, i supose it just doesnt work that way does it.

i read recently that its impossible to track an asteroid headed to our little earth and more impossible to stop it, its impact could occur any day without warning and within a day of it colliding with the earth, about a billion people would all perish!!! im going to have to prepar myself and all of my belongings for the impact hold tight world.

# a new 1 #

i wasnt going to keep this blog but i just carnt keep away from it i wanted to write a new one in a differnt way like i hope it will be which isnt the same from my previous posts. its a downwards feeling that erges you to want to write something even if you dont need to,your mind feels like it wants to write something but when the time comes and the page opens up you have no words to type to inform your mind on what it was you were thinking about, but what ever words you do write ease your mind of the burin of wanting to just write something.

these past weeks have felt long and streached, there has been so much going on, and it still feels like its trailing out still, or maybe its because next week is going to be eventful? or i hope it is at least. but its been a few days where i havent been able to bring myself to what its all about. your day seems like its running its course then it changes, not in a few moments but graduly and then it clicks in the small squishy brain that i have, but no matter how much you want the feeling of the part of the day again, its ither darkened or brightened up. its like your life days are days in themselves, you will get the dawn and the sunny parts, then the mid day, then the darken bits when the sun is about to set and it gets a bit darker. it just depends which bit of that it streched out the most over your day. you ither spend your day kidding yourself or kidding someone else, i think its only now again that you actully find a "good" day that is actully a feel good factor.

ive spent the last few nights ither awake thinking of things that my mind wont rest, it really annoys me when you mind decides it wants to have a chat, you roll over, and off it still goes its like them old people at bus stops that like to talk about the weather then go into there life story, then they decide to sit next to you for the full journey, it just doesnt shut up, or maybe its getting me back for how much i talk in the day? well anyway getting back to the point, after my mind finally deicedes to shut up i feel drained in the day, i dont no wether its just myself getting back to its normal routine but what ever it is i want it to charge me back up, i want to be like them durecell bunnys where they seems to have energy to do anything, but instead im feeling like i have had a giant rabbit just clought me over the head and leave a drowsy sleepy feeling into my mind.

finally its my last day in a place thats full of the old communitys locals that drink from the small choice of alcoholic drinks avalible to them and spend more money than a bank manager earns. you would think i would look foward to ending the rigmaral of it but ifact im dreading it more than ever, it feels like there is a cloud over the end of the nights forcast or more like a heavy fog that gives you a dull headache thinking about even stepping out of the door towards the place.

my soul seems satisfied with itself at the moment, for most of the week its felt likes its been having some small stumbles at times, and uncoftable feeling in yourself but all seems well again and it seems patched up from the recent weeks events. it sounds strange as it is but after reading up on pointless information that my brain thrives on i felt better, infact i felt so much better i felt normal, the pointless information about when some volcano erupted or what events happened at some time that for some reason intrestes your mind to an unbelivable stage made me feel clensed, what a weird feeling to think and to feel from reading something that is so unrelated to feelings. your soul is such a strange thing, if i think about it, its your hearts feelings your mind your beliefs and you all wrapped in one, if you servay it, its a jumbled up mess which makes you, and small stupid thing satifiy it, like a voice of someone, a picture or something really stupid.i wonder if it is your soul that goes onto the otherside? or its it just part of it and which bits dont go? i suppose that could be something to think of while i lie awake tonight, or my mind might find soemthing else to talk about.

i feel better for writing this, i dont think its the same as my old ones but i feel like it satifies the blog feeling better.

~ call the police ~

the way you live your life to the person next to you is completely different, you think differenty and you do things differently, your out looks on life are more than opposite and you normaly find people are positive people, or there not at all. i think threw all ov the twisted things i think im a postive person, well... compared to alot of people, i take things as they come, i dont expect more than what things really are blah blah blah ... but at times it feels like the bits of string that are loose at the back of the picture of yourself, get a good tug now and again, its not from something that happens, its just from things that you think of or relise, which i think in a way is one of the worse things to get a feeling off, it sort of creeps in on you then plays on your mind for a bit, its not necaserily a bad thing, you can realises some of the best things that way but i prefur to get it off a certain thing, to get it off something i have done, something someone else has done or just ... some kind of action, not a thought.

the way past can effect your current feelings now and again annoys me, you want it to be totally gone, you dont want to be reminded of things or the things you do want to be reminded of always seem to stay behind things and they old appear when something is remenisced. its when it clicks you have done something that has been becuase of the past and you think, shit! why did i do that? its not like that anymore?!. . . i think it must just be something that stays with you, something that the lessons in life want to keep with you to remind you that your life will get better. the people that no when you do it, you can tell they understand, its not something were words are spoken its just the feeling and they no why. im still that strong person, i have alot on me that other people dont, without trying to sound like my head is up my own arse but i can deal with things that other people couldnt and i can deal with them on my own, i like the way of eing independent like that, but i like the way that now i can sit and say something to someone without thinking i am a burden, my sister and brother are good for it, they no me, they no how i work for things even though you dont want them to, if you want to you can just say something small and they instantly no how you are feeling, and somehow they no how to make you feel that little bit better about it. i dont no how people could abandon there familys, i dont no how people could walk out on there kids, i look up to my dad more than anyone in the world, he keeps me right, he is shit strict on things but if he wasnt i wouldnt learn anything, he wont let me down and i duno, its a dad thing, im a daddys girl, and i no he wouldnt change the way we are over anything,but i dont no how people could just leave there children your own flesh and blood and knowin that that is your own child, but i supose i have never bin in there position, you can only judge on your own instincts.

ive got a week now till i can move my wrist, its like im waiting 4 christmas, so it looks like im gonna be back at work doing what i want to do, instead of workin with a bunch of fucked up deluded wankers, it makes you doubt your own fucked upness. i didnt think i would meet anyone that was worse than me or anyone that wears make up like boy george but hey! nothing is impossible. . . . but on sunday thats gonna be the end of it!.... thats like waiting for fucking christmas to, ill be wishin ma life away by the end of this. but its ok coz it is the end of it.

~ sound mute ~

other people insecuritys can some how pass on to you, its not like you then have them but you doubt things that you wouldnt before, you think about things that you normally wouldnt see like that and its not something that i like. its not as thought its now a recuring thing, its just when you relises what they find wrong or what they see in there eyes are wrong you think about things on your side. its still the time of everyone havin problems in realtionships, everyone is ither breaking up, havin a break or are cheatin on each other, it makes you think of how lucky of a situation you are, there are these people that havent found what they think is right yet they kid themselves into thinking that it is, you put up with stuff you wouldnt normaly want to and you grip your teeth to just have someone by your side. the fact that i think that i have found the right person in my life feels fantastic, its a feelin that is undescribeble. something that nothing can feel the same about, then you think fuck, i dont want this to end, for something that has then turned into you world, what every thought in your mind evolves around and you think, if something happens im guna be a mess, im guna have nothin and it scares the fuck out of me, its not like i have really thought about it like that before, i normaly take it as it comes, but for some reason iv looked at it the what if way and i dont want to ever again!. when i was in hopsital it makes you think about alot of things, the time that you have to just waste makes you think about things again and again, and you think fuck this is my life i am wastin in this shit hole. you sorta think about things that are important in your life and what isnt so important, the things you could do with out in your life and what you wanna sorta see yourself like at the end of it. the fact of that i was nearly dead has yet again scared the fuck out of me, that would have bin 3 ov us that would have died in that shit hole, and the reality of im not gunna be here kicked in, i would hate to leave the people i love behind, you think about what it would be like without them then you think they would be like that without me, and plus the fact of i have my whole life to live. i think its seriously time to look after myself, i dont want to be in my grave juuuuust yet, i decided that a few month ago so why put myself in it another way. its just the reality of it all that makes you just stand there and think, i relise that i have something in my life that not many people find easily, i have something i dont deserve and that has changed me a such a good way, and i wouldnt change it for the world.