~ hks ~

What is it in life that people want? whats the main reason for things.
im sick of being in this house, im going to go mad, im now confronted with the biggest lie in my life everyday, showing me that the person that i loved is a complete arsehole, my family will do anything to keep him happy, but they dont relise that there is sorta something else they are forgetting.
the strong willed thing that remains as myself, is now running out of it, nothing seems to go right at the moment and anything that does just falls apart, its like a huge complete joke. i dont think ive ever been the one to sit in silence for a while, but im finding myself having time like that. i dont think i have ever been so desprate to get out. and this time ill find anything to get out.
its now gone from the bickering, and the stupid digging comments, to my farther swingin for me.
it makes you feel fantastic when you own farther, the one that was ' the favourite' out of my parents, the one that taught me everything, now resulting to now take his anger now out on me, for the simple reason of i dont want to do his dirty work, for this, i now get that i am a let down to the family, i am usless, i wont do anything for anyone else, and i dont deserve anything.
the look in my dads eyes have gone, its like he is a different man, and .. not my dad anymore.
i have so much hate for him i want to kill him, i want to just repeatedly shoot him over and over again. my dads never swung for me in the way he did last night, i have never seen his face like it was, and its scared the shit out of me, i just froze afterwards, my brother, just sat and said nothing, i think it was shock for him to but i dont think its worth fighting back with my dad, he is like terminater, i have never seen my dad go down, and i dont think one of us could make it happen, maybe a truck, but not a human being. it all started off with my dad saying i have to move out for good, which rite ok you have said before, so i said ok i need to find a place first, but he then demanded that i just go, i got told that he wants me out now, he crnt stand seeing my face anymore because im such a let down it makes him sick. so i replied, your a let down to, and he answered back with, how the hell am i a let down, so i tried to explain that he was the one that since i was born i have look to for things, he has taught me things blah blah blah, and now becuase i wont do things that i shouldnt be for him, im now a let down and everything goes out the window, in reply to that i got told to shut up and all the rest, so in my anger that i had kept in really really well suprisingly, i just told him to fuck off and die, in result .... i got a 19 stone man try and throw his body weight threw his fist into my face. its not good, but i supose its really not great when its your own farther. ive seen him this mornin, but all i got was OUT as soon as i passed him. god i feel fuckin fantastic, i just wanna get out as soon as possible, im sick of going to my sisters with her constant moanin about this and that and about how she is worried that this dusnt look right in the house blah blah blah and the brat of a child screaming and crying at stupid hours in the morning, he isnt my problem so i dont want to be sorting him out in the night, i think sleeping in a shed would be total bliss, you wouldnt have any twats of a family and nothing is going to moan at you for no reason. i hope there is a sale on at b n q.

~ monkey shirts ~

the blog i love has finally blogged! ... im pretty chuffed, its been about a month since they have written anything, its ace, its more like a full version of my mind in someone elses, and its made me a bit happier for reading theres, how sad is that.. but its good stuff.

whow, christmas is finally here and it nothing like what i expected, instead its the oposite. its more like a celebration of how shit my family is and how big the cracks really are, its the time that makes you see how high you actully should jump, god its so fun packed!

for the first time in a while ive seen a few of my mates i used to ride with, its weird seeing them now from when i used to see them every other day, but... as everyone knows freinds find different lives as they go on, but its weird to see how much in just a few months people have actully changed, i dont think you relises how people change as you are close to them,unless its for the worst, no one sees the good in people until, its to late really, its something we all take advatage of but no one can help it. the question of all questions came as everyone knows it will ... so how are you? ... its as thought your inner person answers the question in your head, the answer of you really wanna no? do you want to no about my shite family that ive been blind to for so many years, and how much i want to just go?. but instead the words that come out of your mouth is, yeah im great! what about you?. you can see in ther eyes that they really understand that your lieing threw your teeth, but no one seems to ask, its the best way more than likely. the understanding of why i hate so many woman refreshed my mind again today, one of my mates that has just got himself a bimbo as a girlfriend, which i think himself is reliseing how bad the idea was. he decided to freeze in his chair as she started to talk, she started telling us all about her hairdressers job, ... fantastic. yawn. then about how great it was when she went out on the town the other night, the way they speak and the way they dress sums it all up, everyone that was there seems to be mortified. she was a total slapper that has probably slept with about 15 people in the last month, has a few std's and loves lambrini.
my mate seems to just try and talk over the top of her, and actully apologized afterward for her. me and my sister seemed to sit with the womanly stare to her all night, i dont no what it is, but we both react the same to people like that, the people with no real ambition in life. the sheep of the world, that like to cheak the latest magazines to see what the latest fashion is so they can run out and buy some new leg warmers. wot total fuckin wankers.
i wish some one would slap me actully, and wake me the fuck up. infact im sick, i dont give a fuck, why should i? no one else actully does. why be the one that does give a fuck about people and get shit all back? why even try? instead you get crap back that you didnt really ask for.
i think ive become to soft for my own good, but fuck that, if i get the shit shoved back at me, ill just give it back instead of actully being nice again. its not asthough there bothered right?
life is just a fucked up game to start with.

~ purple sheep ~

hmmmm my blogger still hasnt writen 1 ... i think they could be dead, or dead busy. there blogs are gud, there about what i like to read about and talk about and its like there is someone at times that sorta feels the same thing so i dont feel as stupid once i read them.
i decided last night that ... the drink was guna make me feel so much better, but i was so wrong i always am, im a beer and larger drinker, im not 1 for spirts, and i was on gin last night, what a big big mistake. after about 8 i couldnt feel my legs/ my sister thought it was hilarious and just continued to flow to me, which in the mood i was, wasnt a good idea, i think if she had thrown turps at me, i would have drank it. why do i always think that drink makes you feel better, instead it makes things so much worse, i then just keep the constant flow of my thoughts running round my head at super speed, then they slow down and i start to think about them in the drunken state you get to. hmmm not really a good idea. i feel like i now have a black cloud over my head, thats been flowing me for a while, and now its getting blacker, im not sure if its full of snow or if it has thunder in it yet, i think im just going to have to see what its going to develop into. i did actully see a good part of the night were i felt pretty gud, there was a shit performer, and with my sister there she egged me on to do something, i still have the fear of what people think, but this time ... i did it, infront people i knew, which is pretty scary, infact i was so scared, ive never done nethin ifront of my sister or john b4, there bad enough, but when your mates are there, its even worse, the lad that was on had a few stuff i new, so i ended up just doin 1 ov the stuff iv did with liff and 1 ov the lads songs, but i totaly changed the song, im sorta happy the way liffs taught me stuff coz its wasnt n e thin like what the lad b4 did or the orginal of the song, and im proud, i am actully really really chuffed with myself, i did it ... and i did it on ma tod, i did it my way and it was different, thank fuck it wasnt in my local pub, and they liked it, they liked it! : o thank fuck, i feel ace!!! lol.

i confronted my sister last night about the things i have wanted to for a while, the things that you want to ask someone but your not sure of if they will take it the way you want them to, the things you just want simple answers for to make you feel that much better in you insercuritys.
in the mood i was things really, couldnt get much worse, and hmm she came out with sorta the right things. i understand the family sistuation more than ever, its always better once you have sorta had a chat, but i dont want my family anymore, there all two faced liers.
i feel like my family are a shit hole, which they are, they make me sick to my stomach when i think of them, and the being on my own feeling has total hmm taken the full front, i feel scared... i dont no why, its not the independent thing at all, i can do all this myself, but its the fact that asthough my family have died... everything we had, we dont anymore, and ive been woken up to it all. i just want to grab my stuff and leave, i wanna leave them all behind, and im going to have to, its something that needs to be done. i just really hope there is nothing else like this coming up in my direction ive had enough of shit in my life, and i dont want n e more. but i supose lifes shit, so how come it always gets dished out to me? ahh fuck it all, who gives a fuck about it. im just chuffed with what i have done : )

~ up to 150 ~

i dont no how to write stuff today... im not sure why... but i do, i have what i want to say in my head, but when i come to say it, or write it, i just dont no what to put. my brain seems to be stuck, which hmm, happens often and does seem to annoy me after a while.
ive fought my own efforts not to react harshly, because my mind seems to react irashinaly, it stresses so easy and it makes me think things are never going to make it to the destination that you want them to. the two sides to every story never seems to become something that you think about in certain mind stops, your mind keeps you on a track where you are wearing glasses that keep you looking foward, you carnt see behind you or by the side of you and your own concioiusness and paronia seem to push you foward, edging you towards something your not sure that is actully there, but once your mind convinces you to keep thinking about the subject, it seems to throw in food to feed it, it starts of a small person, then the food gets thrown into its mouth and it seems to grow uncontrolably. your mind seems to then be over run by this over fed mutant, and you dont want it to be. i seem to get lost in it though, no matter what it is, it seems like my feet have been up lifted and i get spirled into the mind trouble as though im phyisicaly there, its like your an alien from the world, and your mind has been taken for your day to day doings and put into a room with a window where you can see your normal going on.

my paronia has seemed to shift with things as ive done things, you feel great, until something for a unknown reason seems to trigger a glitch in you that makes you think things that you shouldnt. i feel like ive been a traiter to myself, i told myself that its not like this, this time. its all long gone stress that been washed away and left with no threats, but my paronia has now decided to kick into something i wanted to be left alone. but as i sit in my own head its like the food has now been served, everytime i think about things it seems to just feel worse to me, i feel like its going to be a repeat of the thing that happened before, and im scared that it is, its like this time the food that is being served is my fear, its my worse fear but my mind is loving feeding off it, i wish it would just spit it out.
i want to write it as the actual situation, but i crnt, my mind just wont let me, when i start to talk about it though, i relises that i shouldnt and couldnt be right, i feel like im a total moron for thinking it and taking it the way that i shouldnt, i feel like everything i worked upon undoing has just started creeping back in, or at least the stuff that was put in there. its not something i can explain. its cuts me, then the sense of normality seeps back in threw little gaps that... i didnt no where there, its like someone putting ice on sunburn and seems to be relif from it all. all the things that seemed all good seem to metamorphose into gremlins.

my family situation doesnt help, and i think its partly why i am thinking so much shit. with having such a stubborn farther i see how i can annoy people to some exstent. i hate him, i want him to stop all this, and i want it to return back to how it could be. i am starting to come round to the reality of im not welcome in my family anymore, and with now camping out at my sisters house for the meantime, im causing a conflict between her and my monster farther, which i dont want to do, i dont want to cause any kind of problems for anyone i love, and my sister does deserve things to happen to her, but not this, and my farther should uses his brain and see that his family arnt going to be always here.
its respect we all need and i want him to give it, ive given alot for him and i want it back in return. ... it scary to see my future without my family as i no, that soon, pretty much its going to be a distant thing i have with them. it makes me feel like ive been stuck in a swimming pool with out an exit, i feel like im trying to grab the walls for something to have there as the security for the things your family sorta of remote to, the thing that no matter what happens will be there, but, the thing that will always be there for most people.. now isnt for me. does this mean that i am now just total well and truely dependant on myself without the fall back safety? i dont mean for if ne thing goes wrong i have something to run to, but the thing that for anything, you have a home there, and the people love you, no matter what you have done in you life.
i feel like i wanna scream about it, even thinking about it makes me wanna scream so loud, it ither makes angry, or it makes me cry. i feel like putting my hands up and giving up in the game, ive sorta had enough. i wanna talk about it sometimes, but i dont no what to say, i want someone to listen, but i want the comments to come back be something that i can use, not just yes, hmmm ok, ov course. im sad its gone, but, what am i suposed to do, im trying my best and this time, my best doesnt mean anything, its just useless for them, its invisable, and something no one wants to take into acount. i dont want to bore people with my problems,i dont want to burden people with anything of mine, but this time my life feels like its starting to shrink into something i carnt see. everything that seems good to me, seems to leave, it leaves with just about everything tho, but there is always something that gets left behind that seems to go on a shelf that i crnt remove. i dont want to take the one in that keeps my head above water, its my only escape and the quailties of him are unique, hes saving me but i crnt talk about it as its not something thats wanting to be heard.
lifes such a shit game.

~ i dont speak to alan titchmarsh ~

what would life be like without music? do you think we would all have the style? ... music styles people, by looking at someone you can tell the music they listen to, or they type of person they are because the music type, why is this? hmmm why! ... i dont no but i would hate to be without music, i listen to it most of the day, its a mood setter and its ace, but yeh life without music wouldnt be right, it would be a mistake.

i wish our lives were like sky plus, i wish we could rewind moments, or replay something, if you take the wrong turning you could just rewind everything... and take the right one. if you said the wrong thing .. you could rewind it and say something better. i wonder how many times you have said something thats got to someone in a way you dont no of, i think that would be the best time to rewind, just grab the bleeb and rewind. i wish people would think something threw in what they say to you, some people are just total wankers the way they do things, some people would basicly tell you that they fancied your mate and then not realise what they have just said until later.. or maybe at all. but really if you reversed it maybe you would get a bit of a kick up with it but the bottom line and the top and the middle and even in every other position, you dont say stuff like that ... and ... thinking does alot of good. no one is clean about things they do, no 1 is perfect and everyday you relises that about everyone around you but people can be unperfect to be perfect. i hate people that are totally orginized, they take time to have a note book to jot things down for a ' to do ' list, dont waste your life making sure you are doing things that you are suposed to, if someone asks to do something with them and it will interfear with a schedule, its a no, there train has to run on time and the book is the stations, what jerks. you have to take you life as it come and take the good things, the things that you no you will enjoy at times, why do people always want to take sheep road, they all need to be there own people. otherwise.... your not a personality, your a sheep.
its horrible but true, my best mate is a sheep, she copys the latest person she thinks ' cool ' and she is the action go'er or them to, she will go out of her way to find a top just like them to look a bit similar, why.... i have asked her before, why do you have to follow someone elses actions to make your own? ... i hate sheeps, but i like my best mate... she is an exception, but she is getting worse, she needs to be her own person.

im laughing at people for there life place, im not in much of a life place, ive let mine take a break for a bit, but ... im gunna get back onto it, peoples life places are mainly worthless, they r shabby and a shit and not worth the time of day thinking of it, ill find something better than them all again, and come back on top again. this is the point where my head looks the size of africa, but least im trying to be my own person which is more than most people.

cut the tree down and call it my own ....

~ lintest ~

people arnt what you expect them to be, you think something or you set something on them, then they prove you wrong, you find that the muscle that has given you the trust strength to lay down your person is slightly tight or even snapped. the floor panel is showing its cracks and they look pretty crap actully, i thought my ice cream tube was worse but its not, by far, i relises the situation now, the floor panels quite shit and needs a good kick to straighten its self out against the wall. its the same old story, but the dream must be drunken, actully it is, ive been tripping over it, the rise has the fall and the falls always felt un supported, somethings always better than you in life... your not enough to things, its the same old story you just dont realise but its always closer to home than you think. but my mind eyes seems to be slightly open and dont like the view of it. its the time for crawling inside it and finding out what you want to no. i think this records stuck on repeat, i seems like ive heard it to many times, or maybe its the video?
its just the way it goes though aint it, i should of stuck with it, it seemed real, and maybe something that had more than rust and bodge on is better than most things that want to be better. why does the liquid and materal in your body try to push your dinner our of your mouth when the feeling of something that i didnt actully think was going to be possible to feel with this one? i dont no i seem to try and ask but the answers are poor.
ive found a new artist, its good and its different, it true feeling words, its simple and good, ive never heard it before and i dont think many bits of wood have but they should, no on second thoughts ... its mine. its got a ace beat and a good voice, its my new music maybe this song is my song for the month. the year. my life. its good.
some one give me a release plug, i think im going disolve inside, i dont no wether its my insides shutting down with it, or mind acid rotting me, what ever it is i wish the cause would kindly stop, its gettin a joke now, no im more than a joke, i just want to lie on my back and watch the cloud formations.
the fucked up souls in the world seem to be hiden, i think the open souls with the straight view of what there like are the slightly normal people, the people that have hidden bits about them are the ones that need some help, they will relises they will end up lonley and you dont test something that finds you a paridise for getting lost in. its fuckin scarin me. when did the wave come and take it all away? its more of a switch thats been flicked, there could have been at least a letter of warning or at least some kind of notice. im sad your gone, why dont you come back for a while? maybe you might like it? both worlds of it have come to gether and merged into one. have you ever let something be unmessy? get rid of the stupid attitude and just be normal. everyones out for an easy ride, but there is no reason in your case for a hair raise. my nerve endings have gone, its all lost and found. i think im going to send out a search party for you, maybe i could ask the yellow paper to do me a free ad? what section would i put it in though? i crnt do shop ads, they wouldnt work. i just wish you would pay a visit at least for a day in my world, but i dont think your going to.
all the effort was pointless, no matter how much i word this or say it your not going to see the point that ive aimed for, nothing will change and things will be the same, or maybe you could understand it all? i hope so, i need that bit back i enjoyed it, maybe the salt water is coming to often for it. i want a box for christmas, or at least something to talk to about stuff, stuff, what the fuck is it, i must be all the shit that goes round in your head that you seem to over think, you seem to over estimate, and you seem to feel. the thing is though, the box doesnt talk back.

~ gored by lion ~

everything you pass or do in your life means something. people wont blink twice at something that actully is important to the world, instead... they carry on with there worldly bubble of life and take as little intrest as possible. things like the way the moons reflection on the ocean makes my eyes drawn to it, it facinates me in a way that hmm im not sorta sure of but i think its amazing, im scared of the sea, im really scared of drowning, not the sea itself, but the fact of something smothering me and not being able to escape it. the seas power and how its a whole different world beneath it makes me actully think of all the things we havnt discovered in it, or on our planet, there is alot of things that are best left un discovered, that way we have things to let our minds think about and try and solve ourselves.
we have made things that you wouldnt think were possible, for a bit of flesh and blood to be able to produce things that are complicated on how they work like engines and computers, if you gave yourself plastic and metal, you wouldnt really think of what it could do. but i think we all get to wrapped up in what we have made and what our lives are now around, that you dont actully relises, without the world as it is, we wouldnt have any of it.
no one really appreicates what there is and what we have, instead we dont see it, and people arnt intrested, kids arnt educated on what goes on on the planet, and why things are they way they are, instead there bothered about the latest shit thats out, all the man made crap that really isnt that neccasery.
i love the fact that a huge piece of frozen water is starting to melt... man kinds starting to wonder what there going to do, but yet again its going to happen because it actully needs to, we set up all these towns and citys and think were total indistructable, but 1 volcanic eruption can wipe something out, or a blast of wind. no matter what we do to what were on, its going to just go back to how it was.
i think people are the same, we have changed to much with the things we discover, were all to greedy, we all want something and most people will do anything to get what they want, they will go out of there way to hurt others and con someone for themselves to be happy, i no there has always been competition between each other, its ' healthy ', but i think stuff is starting to get way outa hand, but i suppose it has done for ages, the goverment doesnt care about how we all cope, they just find more ways to take money and gain power, no one actully sits and thinks yeh, make the most of what i have and actully find something to injoy outa your life, instead of everyone using each other to have something better.
im sick of the way you walk around hoping your not upsetting someone with the things you say, or expecting them to stab you in the back, people are shit, and i wish we wernt.
you hurt people without relising but you should relises, ive done it myself with things that are serious, but i dont think anyone will ever understand until you stand in the place of someone who has done things, the things you do make you see life on how it really is and, i think if your lucky, you see it from both sides that you should, you see it from the good, and the bad, and you can see what is right. where as, if you hadnt been in things you were, you wouldnt realise how to look at things. i supose you go threw shit to gain good though sometimes right??...
i think were all like sims but i wish we could all do things to put ourselves back upto happy.
i wish we could all just live ' normal ' for a few days so people could relises whats important in there lives and in life in genral.
i wish you could see into the future of your life, just to see the things you look forwards to if they they will actully happen, and will things luk anything like you think you want them to. i dont want to hurry my life but its sorta like waiting for christmas but not ... it hurts ,my head when i start to think about it.
i saw the best moon rise if you can call it that, the moon came up from the sea horizon a flame orange and in about 5 minutes it was out of the sea and low in the air but had changed into an ice white, i love how it happens and i love how it looks, things around us are ace, but no one seems to care anymore, but i wish they would, i felt like grabbing people that were passing by and sayin luk! dusnt it luk gud... but they would just be bothered about getting home to the plastic and glass television that will let them view some latest rubbish.

~ yeh ~

my biggest all time fear is ... drum roll ..... trust. its my worst thing, and i find it so hard to trust someone, to no what the human race is like, we all no people are horrible, devious, and all round nob heads, no one can say were not because we are... so how can you trust a human? i think its slightly obvious that you carnt, well you can ... but ... i think the now and again people that come along. they do things for you that make you see that there actully ok.
your family arnt a trustworthy thing, my sister is a money grabbing whore and would sell your shoes on your feet to make herself a bit more cash, you find yourself into money and she is your best mate, i dont think its something she can help though, she like money and wont do much for herself even though she has degrees in allsorts but just carnt be arsed to move her ass and get on with a career. i crnt trust her with money, or my stuff, because i no, ill never get it back again, its a bit bad but cracks in familys are major if you look at them properly, my farther is self centred, im not saying it because were a fall out mess, but because i have always known, he likes things his way... and if you dont want it his way, then you go your own way without his knowlege, he would prefur you not to be around. my mother is also quite selfish, she likes the best for herself as most woman do, she would stand on you to reach something a bit better, my older brother doesnt really have a fault that i can see, i admire him more than anyone else in my family, he is calm and a great person, he sees things that other people should and is one of the 1 in a million people, my other brother is cool, but again is a bit self centred, i no that people should look out for themselves, its true and its a fact, but family should do it together, they shouldnt be ... bastards. i am a stubborn cow, but ... i actully do things in my family to help someone else, i would actully put things on the line to make someone happy, but its like a crowbar taken to me if i ask for it in return, i think me and my older brother are givers, the rest of my family are takers and they love it. i dont ... i am starting to see why people dont have anything to do with there familys as they get older ... they relises what there family is like and how much ov twats they are. i have ... and i dont want to be around them. i love them, there my family, but ... i need them out of my life.

i dont think my family is as bad as others, alot of people dont relises what they have, infact they bad mouth something someone else would find bliss. i hate seeing the familys that shout at each other constantly, i used to see a disabled lad with his mother every morning on the way to work, she was so horrible to him it made me want to just twat her. there is no need for it, so why do people do it?

i feel like them science rats, where they put them in places and see how they cope, or like the truman show, im reliseing that this shit hole isnt just a shit hole ... everything else around me is.
i understand some reasons why people jump of bridges round here, i wouldnt blame them.
its great tho, the numb thought of it all has appeared, it doesnt bother me, and it doesnt make me want to cry so much anymore, i just wish i was little again, and didnt no about anything.

life itself its a bit ov a shitehole, the wake up calls hit me right in the face, its more than a kick in the ribs, its like a gud old sledge hammers taken to the part thats been fixed. now its unfixed, and i dont think ill let it be fixed again.

~ budda ~

bullshit come in many forms, alot ov it people dont actully think you can see, but infact i think i can see this 1 pretty clearly, its a bit thick the way your goin about it aswell, just come out with it without goin round the houses. your a fucking cunt and you dont think i no this.
i think im guna play the game back though, im pretty good at it, infact i think im one of the best, ill see how you put up with my bullshit.

ive finally decided that ... heros dont exsist, there just people that you think you want to be, but infact the person you want to be is in yourself, you can do anything, and you dont need anyones help, thats sorta my problem at the moment, i need to stop just tryin to find something to have a rest on for a bit, theres no point is there, why look for something that isnt there, i need to just find some nice big sticks and use them to hold me up.
i think im the biggest mug in the world to be honest, ill stand by something that i belive in, but infact the thing that i might belive in doesnt belive the samething, instead you look a fool and your wasting your time right? ... correct.
i wish some people would comeout with how they feel about something, instead of giving the cold shoulder, then saying its all great, its not if your deiciding to throw giant ice cubes at me is it.

i love the people that think there more than they actully are ... the people that think becuase there doing something a bit different they look speical, but infact there still the same old dull person behind it all, and people see it after a while, they see the sad person that doesnt injoy anything because .... there no one just a sheep that is trying to were an odd sock its not a very good cover up.

show me anything that was please id really appreciate it alot. do you think if it happened they would notice? i dont think much would be said, infact i think it would be an ok, and it left, there wouldnt be a fight for it, not anymore

~ keep it real ~

i hate the way it takes about an hour to cross the road in newcastle ... i dont like the way the people are all selfish twats and decided to go shopping with 6 kids all on one pram which is headed straight towards your legs.
i hate most things ... well i do at the moment, i love to think about things tho, i like to tick them over in my mind and think what if? or just have a think about everything, whn you do you always relises things you hadnt before, its good but its also bad, you see that things that used to care about you for everything that you ever did, faded out and now your just a annoying item in there life bubble.

the little purple pill did its job last night and put me to sleep last night, they make you feel heavy in the morning though, your head feels like its resting on your feet when you walk.
i had discussion about bitter people last night with my bitching partner, you crnt be a bitter person if you only do it now and again to people, only if its always there and you do it to people that you no and love, you are obnoxious and a dick head i think if your bitter, but its sad, theres a few people i no like that. i find myself a bitter person at times, but deep down, i no that im not, im not a full timer, im just a part timer, or a temp for a while, i find myself jobless then find another temp job to get back in the bitter swing again, it satifiying, but... i dont like the reciving end of it, so i normally easy up now.
people intrest me alot, but then again i hate them so much, people do so many things that effect others without relising it, i have seen it with my own eyes and mind. people rest themselves on things to keep them going, when really they shouldnt, people pray on the invention of televisions to live, what happens if there is a huge power cut? your buggered then, what are people going to do, all line up to jump of the nearest bridge when they dont find out what happened to pauline fowler on eastenders. why dont they socialise and relises there is more to life than a screen to keep the security feeling. i think i would do ok if there was something like that, my only flaw i think would be my mobile, my bitching partner wouldnt be able to get the gossip straight into my ears, i would have to trek around there as soon as possibe, but its a plus side, i could walk and loose millions of weights from my body, other wise i think i would be happy, people would see what IS actully important in the world and i think the dick heads in the world could be transformed.

ive decided not to waste my money anymore at kick boxing, i have a nice hefty bag at home, that i can just beat the shit out of, its free, and it emptys the anger than people feed me. least that way i can put your picture on it and ill kick you in the face.

there is a strange man that walks around north sheilds, one of the most fucked up places in newcastle, ( its not something i do often ), he walks around and shouts things, he is like them bible people but only he isnt right at all in the head and shouts anything he wants to, he shouted yesterday as we walked past, no one actully cares about you, your going to see. i felt like actully saying to him ... we all fuckin no that no one fuckin cares, your close people dont care about you, they shit on you then smile back at you, i felt like just screaming it in his face, but i didnt, i held it back and just commented to my bitching parnter.

i had my hair cut yesterday, but its erm a bit to short from what i asked for, they always seem to do that at the place i go, i had a different person this time though so i thought hmmm i just say where i want it n maybe she might get it right, she didnt... its now just past my shoulders and i dont like the way it sits, it took her about 2 hours to actully die my hair, what kind of people are they? i think hair dressers have to have no brain at all when they apply for the job its all in the discription of the job, WANTED ... no brains, an air head, and orange face and to much make up, can hold scissors. i dont think i could have gone by myself yesterday though, i wasnt in the mood to handle them all, they way they interigate you about your life, they always love it when me and my sister come in, they make us tea and give us the new magazines that they dont normaly give to people before they have read, i think its supossed to be a privalidge but ... i think its rather sad im only going to get my hair cut, a magazine doesnt entertain me like it would them. they always ask you the usual .... eeeeeeeee and hows your mother? well she is the same as she was the last time you saw her you fucked up bimbo. .... ooooooo hows your love life? SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!.... i really just want to stick the scissors they have in there hands into there eyes and watch them try to look around with them in. i think that would entertain me more than the new ' closer ' magazine that is full of shit that people without a life neeeeed to read to find something to talk about. i got the usual as well but from the ' new ' woman who was doing my hair, in the voice that is all mono tone, and the most broadest geordie slag accent in the world. g'ooooooooooooooood.... eeeee your a mechanic arnt you! ... eeeee i couldnt do thaaaaaaaaaaaaaat i wouldnt no weeeeeeeeeeeere to staaaaaaaaaaaart. well you orange slag, you are correct i am a mechanic and you get a fucking brain and use it. i dont no what the fuck it is about being a woman mechanic up here, at times like this it makes me want to fucking scream, if my sister wasnt sitting beside me i think i would have picked up the can of hair spray that was on the table infront of me and ramed it down ' sherees' throat, wot a fuckin name SHEREEE she isnt a drink, she is a slapper, and she is orange and she need to stick her throat in a vice and let me crush it.my sister saw the look in my eyes and grinned, i think she new my plan, but i just look and sheree and said, thats correct and its not that bad when i have a brain. im proud that i kept myself calm. after the incident, she started it again ... how do you keep your finger nails clean? i glanced at her fingers and they were the skinniest orange fingers with painted ends, i said because i wash my hands and no what a scrubbin brush is, she wasnt getting the hints and started with the classic ... eeee my boyfriends cars playing up. im not going to fix your fuckin boyfriends car for you on the cheap just becuase you have cut my hair to short you dickhead. my sister laughed to herself as again new she saw the anger in my eyes. ill give it to my sister though, she is complete cow, there is no buts and ands about it, she is a cow but i love her, at times she does my head in, she realllly does my head in, but she is great, without her i wouldnt no somethings i do, i think everyone should have an older sister and an older brother, there all great, they keep you right and no matter how you look at it there your role models, when your younger there the people you wanted to be, i told my sister that a while back and she thought is was the nicest thing i have ever said to her LMAO, i dont no how we go onto it but combined i wanted to be like my sister and my older brother. but i have the things i want from them in me now, its like the courses or learning yourself has been complete, and now i am a finished product... im a cow, im violent when i have to be, im loving im caring and i understand things everyone else wouldnt, i like to stick my fingers in wet paint and i think i am slightly mad.

back to it all though, to be honest i feel a bit shit at the moment, im not sure exactly why but i have an idea, i feel a bit lonely and i dont no why ither, that feeling where you just... i dont no! ... you just want a hug and no words its not a hug from the nearest person though. i feel like i crnt trust anyone at the moment, everyones let me down, my dads making me see why my sister left home, he isnt the hero i used to see, he has let me down. my family have let me down, i no i will have probably let them down with things but i duno it just feels like everything now is a let down i dont trust them, i feel like i crnt go anywhere to just feel the safeness where you dont have to have the slightest barrier and for someone to understand you and just... just listen to you without you feeling like you are boring them. what is a close person to you, i think they should be someone who cares about you, someone who will stick up for you when a bad word is said, a listener and a giver.... there isnt may of them around, people are all out for themselves, when they feel like they want a bit of time or attention they come with there hands in the air, but it seems like if i want to... i just get the closed sign. i just want a bit to lean on, but i dont its like im a in a field with nothing there, just more fields, no walls or hedges just fields, its shit. but as per usual, ill hold my head high and hold it back, and put the sarcast smile on that every single person falls for and fill them with the shit that im fine and dandy. people are just total wankers that take anything you say, i supose there not that intrested, so its great stuff.

my farthers decided to pull up half the stairs to put some packin in, i dont think that i can stand the sounds of radio 2 any longer, they talk about the same old shit day in and day out, granny goggings rings up and complains about whats going on in the world or there is some great joke where you have to really ring back and ask where you where suposed to laugh. i think im going to jump out of my window to end this crewl world of radio 2. god bless the nations cotton hair. ive found a new word i like .... sybarite - a person devoted to pleasure and luxury, i think its odd but nice sounding, words annoy me and amuse me, why so many words for 1 thing? words arnt really words there noises we recognise as a meaning, we could make police siren noises and it could mean something about how to make chocolate chairs in another language.

we have a new apprentise at work who is about 18 he is a bit old to be 1 i think but, he is stupid, he let us blind fold him and pin him to the floor, not a wise thing for people like us, we then deicided to rev the engine of the car on the next ramp and move it, we rolled a tyre on his head and pretended that the car was running him over ... he screamed louder than a child with its pasty being taken away, the sad cunt actully thought we were running him over. he then!! .. wot a total fuckin mug, let us put him in about 8 tyres then pressure wash him, the sad twat now has burn marks all up his arms, and on his chest, i think he thinks we all like him.... wot a wanker, im tryin to think of something really good to do to him, i thnk ill have to have a think while i let him make me a cup of tea or send him to the shop, the sad bastard doesnt understand that he dusnt actully have to do it, but he does anyways, he reminds me of a sheep, one of the white ones with the black head, infact .... if taken a picture.



thats him on the right, and im asuming its his girlfriend on the left, he needs a bit of a trim i think. i dont think its wise for him to be at work while im like this, he is going to end up with a car really going over his head the sad twat.

im sick of having to buy things, things are all from the earth so why do we have to pay, its all free anyway .... im going to report everyone to the sun.

~ jelly hoops ~

why do i have a deep sinking feeling about something? the something that last time i was right? ... the one if im right, ill hit the fucking roof and i dont think anybody could actully stop me, the thing you would actully risk things for. lets just hope for everyones sake the feeling isnt right ... but your a total cunt so stop it.

i can see the wreak getting cleaned up by road side assistants, i think there going to have to send more than 1 unit out for this one though, i think it gunna be messy. how come when you get older, the problems or things you seem to come across seem to get a bit worse, i wish the cares and problems that you think you used to have when you were younger turned up and replaced the things i think and have. do you think its something i have to get used to? or ... is it not normal to have the feeling i do have. im not happy i have it and its bugged me now for approximatly, about half of a day.
have you ever really wanted to just put something out there, just say something that has played your mind more times than a pack of cards in a casino, but without a reaction, or if you could plant it down, with the feeling and the effect that it has given you, and just show how its effected yourself in the way it has, then you would no its been taken the right way.

im looking quite tired and i feel quite sick, my stomach feels like its gone a cement mixer goin round at a steady pace, but the smiles here, how thick are people. you can fool them with the slightest thing and they dont bat an eyelid. maybe there just not intrested, lets hope so.

i wish some people where intrested in some of the things i wanna talk about, my mate is, actully i dont think she is, but she listens becuase she knows it makes me feel good for someone to listen to it. i go on and on, and the things that i feel a bit ... weird about like the thing that i dont feel right about on my mind i no i can talk to her about, she wont care, she wont understand, but its nice to put it into some words and for her to pretend to understand. i wish i could make words come across the way i wanted them to, i wish they could make the impact like i want them to but instead i impact myself and just make my eyes keep the matchsticks in them to keep them seeing what they are. thanks alot for nothing please note what your doing in the book you note your life in.the shoes are new.

~ plate ~

everything is like a switch, on, off, on, off, on, off. and ..... people are total tossers.