~ hoover bags ~

ive got a garage job again, but for a bloke who thinks pigs actully fly. im not fussed really though, i want to be able to do it again, i want to just be able to play on cars all day, its a nice feelin, i enjoy it but i duno its just good. i thought i wasnt guna get it this mornin, my wrist is still outa use so i had to just see wot i could do, and tryin to tell the bloke that it will only be a few weeks then it will be sorted is a bit hard when its his money and business that ur tryin to convince ur good enough for. for workin a 4 to 6 day week im guna be gettin about the same i was gettin at the pub, but its better in a way, im not guna have as many weirdos, im not then servin the twats, and im doin somethin i love. the fact ov a female mechanic always turns up noses, people thing, oh golly! she is a woman!!. . she ither isnt that good, or she is secretly a bloke. and it normaly puts people off, or blokes well the majority of people that own a place wont take you on over some 1 else. i supose it is a mans job, n men get funny about things like that. but i crnt complain much, im gettin more hours in, but for a similar amount ov cash but least this time im enjoyin it. i duno weather to try n keep this pub job on certain days if i can, its just that bitta extra money in my pocket. but i dont no ill see how it goes for it.
i can see myself i have changed, i have changed alot. my feelins have become un frozen, and im not numb anymore and its hard to no what to do with them. you have these things that now get to you and eat away at you inside at times. then you see things on a differnt view. i dont like the intense side of it, its like im to... intense even to myself. i dont want to be though... its not what im like. but i supose there new things and i have to just learn to deal with them and try n change them to what i want. for the fact that andys gone i dont have the shoulder to burden it all on, the 1 that doesnt judge and if he did it wouldnt matter that much. its a feelin ov loneliness in a way, not totally but partly, in a way that i dont have it there, i dont have it there to just get it out at. i want to tell steve, but i dont. i dont wanna tell him or show him things he might not like, its a bit to late for that now lol, but still somethings u think hmm i crnt. i think only have paul to blame for it, or myself. when i was with him i couldnt say anything. if i felt like i didnt feel right or i was a bit down like you get from time to time i couldnt say anything i just had to just deal with it my way. for somethin then i thought was alright and the fact that i loved him i thought that is couldnt be as bad as i thought it was. but when you look back at it now and i relise what i do actully have i no i shouldnt have even been in it to start with, for somethin now where i can say what i want, and i no i have someone there that will listen to what i have to say and do there best for me about it, i feel to lucky, and i no myself i dont deserve what i have, but i think i am just gonna have to get used to it. to think really that this time last year i didnt have this, its a strange thought, now i sorta crnt really think of what it would be like without him he has changed me so much for alot of things n i like it. the fact that at time when i dont feel right when i miss him i hate it, i get to hung on to it all. i wish i didnt get to much like it, but when you think to yourself that he isnt there your like fuck. i no its just coz its a bit of hard times and its just myself for feelin a bit shit at the mo, but i feel a bit guilty sayin it to him, i dont want to doubt what we have, but i want him to just see that im in it with him till the end well until he says so really lol. i really do love him alot. but its myself i have to sorta work on. he has done alot to stick it threw with me, i can be hard work and a right pain, and no that myself. it means alot to me that he does this, he listens to me and he will take the time to do so. but then i crnt help thinkin that im a burden. i need to just stop it lol. but i do relise what i have. and i no i am the luckiest person in the world to have him, to have someone be able to love u listen to you care for you and want to be with u like he dus is a fantastic feelin, he has so many things to him that i love i crnt describe. then i think, why have i been like this, i have the best bloke in the world and im stupid enough to think stupid things. the fact of knowin im guna get to see him soon its fab, it makes you feel 100 times better, and you sorta get the little buzz back from it. but i no eventully when things are all sorted out that its guna be fuckin ace. it is now, but i no its guna be a differnt type of feelin a even better one... see ... i could never even think this kinda thing till not long ago, but i duno! lol.

~ JVC ~

i wake up in the morin notice somethin aint right, coz although the sun is shinin there is no light, i open my curtain wipe the sleep from my eyes to tired to realise ive lost my sight, blindin from my ignorance i prepare myself for the day, thinkin this sinkin feelin will go away as i set off on my track the little voice in my head says turn back, but when go i to turn back its to late darkness surrounds me drowin me in sorrow, coz i no today i will be no differnt from tomorrow, hope is quikly faidin soon ill be too far gone for savin my soal will go and leave my body hollow and still in the face adversity i search for an inner strength try and stand firm with both fist clenched, but i crnt find my heart, its like the fuckin things deserted me it used to be there this makes no sense, so i pray to a god that im not even sure i belive in, to help me in my hour of need and heep mne breathin i pray to this god that created a place called eden a parardise to put adam and eve in, but i dont think he hears me speakin, im startin to weaken now im reachin for whats fake poisonin my body to escape, suddenly im overwhelmed with optimism my shoulders no longer feel the weight yeah life feels great but its fake.

its fake coz i no the smile on my face is only there coz im to intoxicated to care, that inside my soal i cant find no hope just a gapin whole where it used to be there, an amendable tear,that when im sober hurts more than i can bare it just aint fair, and soon ill be back in normality and when the posion wears off and my whole bodys achin from the pain of reality, the pain of reality starts to grab me live is a fallacy and im starin straight at death as it tries takin another stab at me, im down on my knees, and im beggin,someone hear me please answer my questions, why is my life just one big deep depression, is this gods way of teachin me a lesson, forgive me farther for i have sinned, this is my confession, i do bad things and i dont no why i do them, i try to do good deeds but people see right through them, i crnt get close to no one, coz they wont let me, how can i feel accepted, if they dont respect me, is this my heart? i feel startin to sink as the more i talk im startin to think that maybe i feel this way because of the mistakes ive made and it aint got shit to do with no one else i can only blame myself, its me whos bad for my health, and only i can rectify what is wrong in my life if only i tried a little bit harder, it all comes down to a choice what would i rather, stay how i am and watch the days get darker or forgive myself, get on with life and not look back after.