~ altec ~

fuck its been ages since ive wrote in here, well infact its been ages since ive even looked at a computer for personal use, ive been busy, well fuckin far to busy, and the constant going out after and wenever i can bit really isnt healping but all i can call it is im not spending my life sitting on the curb, im just doing what the fuck i want when the fuck i want to .... best way eh? ... i supose i always have looked at life like that but this time im getting closer and closer to saying the things to people that run threw my head when there stand there infront of my and all i want to do is rip there insides out, its feelings better now tho not having to think about holding it back as i said i dont give a shit. i think sleep deprivation for the past 3 days has kicked in pretty well, its got to the point were the tablets to keep you awake are just notworking anymore, but i cant say that the drugs dont work. they work well and there working to there best advantage until the comedown kicks in .... lets have some pie .

~ return to list ~

once again after a while people have annoyed me on the subject of what can you do with your life? ... the answer is anything, nobody belives in themselves instead they belive that they should live in the feeling of being a faliure, a low life and there not worth going further than they already have, but why? .... why do people work in call centres and factorys all there lives or as taxi drivers, yeah its a living but then they moan, ooo id love to have done that.... please can you tell me why you didnt? ... there is no excuse. i have no sympathy for people like that and i never will, getyour self sorted and then try and be happy. life isnt easy, it never will be, i dont need to tell you that life isnt fair, it doesnt care about you or anyone just like other people, it arbitrarily cuts off your air, and everyone really wants to say its ok, and the truest part of our hearts everyone is afraid of life, maybe thats why the get stuck in the same comfort zone, we all fight so hard to hide our fears that we scare outselves, but if your cowardly then it cant apply, the nervous eyes dont want to open to look at the change of life around them, when really your eyes should be craving it all. people any life bug me but i supose it should do, its like a test to really see who its the strongest ... the strongest get the best? .... hmmm im not sure but i hope people kick themselves up the arse to see what they have, and what they could have.

my main goal which is to selfish, but i will do it, is to put myself first, pick myself and self confidence up, make sure i am on the straight and narrow, and then maybe think about someone else later on in my life. i can see to many people around me stuck in there own zone stuck in there bubble stuck in there life wallowing in there own self pitty, self sitty then they love so they make own, if they had a tast of something good tho i wonder if it would sway them to stay on the good stuff, the natural high of life that hmm makes you feel good at times but comes with its downers that are to be expected, i just wish people would wake up, its getting to the point were i want to shake them about and just well, get them told.

~ edit ~

hmm at this precise moment in time i should actully be happy, i should be happy im rid of something that makes my moods angry and my temper like a bear, i should be happy with the job i have just recived but yet im not with both of them, the job thing has bored me and im sick of working 11 till 7 in the morning, my body clock seems to be stuck in a warp that doesnt no what to do with itself, its like its awake then asleep in the space of about 7 minutes. the angry situation i am actully wanting back, im addicted to something that isnt good for me, and because it isnt good i want it, but yet its doing me no favours, maybe things in this life were really set out to be as strange as possible and the only way to resolve the problems is to recive more? with out more then your life wouldnt turn? ... hmmm i wonder.
my head seems really heavy, maybe the reason for it because actully it is quite heavy? or that the lack of sleep and knowing my friend is coming round at any time means more sleep deprevation, which isnt good. i think i might stay in tonight at watch some shit on telly, or maybe see if the source of my anger would like to do something tonight, which i supose i no the answer will be no, then ill spend all night thinking about him, and feeling like my apotite has disapeared and that im worrying about something that im not actully sure about. strange seems to be taking over my head, actully crazy taking over my head. infact fuck it, tonight i think i might even go and knock on him and make him come out. fuck love hurts.

~ garden pea ~

it was my birthday yesterday, the big one nine, wow. im not shocked infact i feel like it should be 91 istead of 19, but i supose it just means more time to waste on the planet we call earth and discover more and more things until my days are up. i didnt want to actully do anything for my birthday i just wanted a laugh, and a laughs what i got, for the handful of people that i can call true mates we stayed in round my mates with some smoke and drink and played the x box, you dont relises something like that an be great after hectick times, its like a breathe of fresh air, it was a right laugh and im happy we did it, .... but presant wise, wot presant could be better for a smoker than a smoking ban? thankyou you arseholes but dont worry ill over come it and find something else to do at least smoking weed was band in the pub but its not in my own house, my own house is now selling refreshments like john smiths and carling, and people are flocking from miles around just to have a fag and pint .... a dream we all now wish could happen all the time, but no, its distant dream.

~ koolio ~

well ... so much has happened in so little time. i came back from grosetto yesterday, its in tuscany in italy and i didnt want to come back, can you blame me though? its historic and fasinating, its got breath taking views and the weather is a bonus. aswell as the scrummy blokes that seem to just appear from everywhere. the week away made me relises alot of things, what i want, what i need and well it did its job but i still dont want to be home, i want to feel the warmth against my skin again, i want to be able to wake up in the morning look out my window and see the lizards run around in the grass below my window, i want to watch the sun set on the mountains surounding me and just have no worries at all around me, just the worry of what i am going to do today. then i returned home ... as soon as we touched down i new i was back to the smiley happy faces of people that had a bubble over there head just full of problems, the fast paced life here just makes people stressed, to touchy and upset and they rub it off onto everyone else, its super good! i got back to the problems of roddey and how he is such a twat, how people sit with a face like a smacked arse for the night in the pub then i relised... life sucks. no matter how you try to cover it up or forget about it, you always have some kind of shit to top your day your week or your year off. its total quality.

~ nob head ~

i couldnt sleep last night, all my thoughts were going round my head faster than a nascar track and the crowd were throwing things onto the track to make it even harder to sleep. ive got to much to think about at the moment, upon many things i have the man called roddey to think about, well think about no more i need actions, actions speak louder than words huh? well lets hope so. ive had enough of having little and not often calls from him and i think the jelousey has set in with him, but im not really sure, for things that have happened at the moment then well, i thought he would be more caring, more talkative and well made more communication.
he is thick bless him, like most men, and like most woman can always do its not always that hard to track your bloke down when you really need to, then they always seemed puzzled on how you actully new were they were, its simple though there only in a few places or with some people, and them people and places arent hard to get intouch with, its just the person your trying to track down thats hard to get intouch with.
to be honest though, i like roddey but love isnt really coming into it much, its fading with the shity moody attitude that he produces when he is ill .... the man flu or well the pretend cold. but i want to talk to him about it, so apartly were meeting up today at half 2 ... but if we actully do is a different thing ... its really well ... a joke. if he doesnt answer or decides to just egnore it and forget then well ill fuckin go mad, im so annoyed my stomach doesnt want to be fd and the thought of food repulses it, my body is just craving ciggarettes but to many, im getting the cravings that will turn me into a sucked up faced old woman with major wrinkles butthe way im feeling at the moment i dont care. i will care later on though, you regret it afterwards? ... well due to it all i have one thing to thank him for, ive managed to loose 2 stone nearly 3 in 2 months, well done bev ... thanks roddey the no food lark helps to get thin.
even though im up and down with my feelings about him i think the plan im on is on its way to the ground. ive never actully wanted to talk to someone so much with anger but not no what to say to them? ... i dont no were to start or how to word it, is got to the point were im angry over the top, what the fuck am i doing? actully ... i feel like i want to scream and then maybe cry for a short while but it wouldnt be apropriate, it would just be stupid and worthless aswell as pointless ... its quater past ten ..should i ring him at half 12 istead of 2? i think i might have to ahhhh but he wont answer :@ FUCK this is annoying

~ half way home ~

i forgot farthers day this year, well not really forgot, i was to busy in my own world to relises the importance of why we have these days to our parents. there days to show you and make you see what and who your parents are, and my dad is cool, far from cool my dad is super cool.
i feel ashamed aswell as disapointed in myself to forget and put the day to the back of my mind.
the night before i was out on the heavy stuff of whiskey and when i woke my head and body regreted the decision to fill my glass again and again the night before. when i woke up in the hours or the afternoon i quickly went to the local shops to get him a card, what strange collections of cards, there is some total tatty cards with tacky saying that make you laugh in the way of feeling sorry for anyone that recives it. but thinking to the day that has now come and gone i should have gone out and spent time with him, done the farther daughter thing but we didnt. i supose we do it often though but its still not an exuse to forget such a day.
my dads a great guy, he has his moments tho, like when he relises that you have spent far to much on fone calls and he is the one handing out the cash to pay for it, or when you fancy some more money he seems to try and get the point across of money doesnt grow on trees, but as normal he will dish it out to me. im spoilt really, behond belief and i think i always will be, im spoilt with money aswell as love. me and my dad have had some great times, we still do, his humour and mine are the same were sick and twisted and seem to trigger each other off to make each other worse, we fix there house up together and for that he has taught me trades that i dont think many woman no, i can plaster, put up walls, do plumbing, do his main job of an electrican and most other things all because of this man, its come in handy already and i dont think i have ever thanked him fully for it, i should have on farthers day. bless him, through all of the main dad and daughter conflicts i love him to bits, i really do, i couldnt wish for a better dad than i have because there just isnt one. im sorry i forgot farthers day ....